Ad Infinitum

Canonical List of Smilies
 

;-) Winky smilie. User just made a flirtatious and/or sarcastic remark. More of a "don't hit me for what I just said" smilie.

:-( Frowning smilie. User did not like that last statement or is upset or depressed about something.

:-I Indifferent smilie. Better than a Frowning smilie but not quite as good as a happy smilie

:- User just made a really biting sarcastic remark. Worse than a :-).

:- User just made a really devilish remark.

;- Winky and devil combined. A very lewd remark was just made.

(-: User is left handed

%-) User has been staring at a green screen for 15 hours straight

:*) User is drunk

[:] User is a robot

8-) User is wearing sunglasses

8:-) Sunglasses on head

::-) User wears normal glasses

B-) User wears horn-rimmed glasses

8:-) User is a little girl

:-)-8 User is a Big girl

:-{) User has a mustache

{:-) User wears a toupee

}:-( Toupee in an updraft

:-[ User is a Vampire

:-E Bucktoothed vampire

:-F Bucktoothed vampire with one tooth missing

:-7 User juust made a wry statement

:-* User just ate something sour

:-)~ User drools

:-~) User has a cold

:'-( User is crying

:'-) User is so happy, s/he is crying

:-@ User is screaming

:-# User wears braces

:^) User has a broken nose

:v) User has a broken nose, but it's the other way

:<) User is from Stanford

:-& User is tongue tied.

=:-) User is a hosehead

-:-) User is a punk rocker

-:-( (real punk rockers don't smile)

:=) User has two noses

+-:-) User is the Pope or holds some other religious office

`:-) User shaved one of his eyebrows off this morning

,:-) Same thing...other side

|-I User is asleep

|-O User is yawning/snoring

:-Q User is a smoker

:-? User smokes a pipe

O-) Megaton Man On Patrol! (or else, user is a scuba diver)

O :-) User is an angel (at heart, at least)

:-P Nyahhhh!

:-S User just made an incoherent statement

:-D User is laughing (at you!)

:-X User's lips are sealed

:-C User is reaally bummed

<|-) User is Chinese

<|-( User is Chinese and doesn't like these kind of jokes

:-/ User is skeptical

C=:-) User is a chef

@= User is pro-nuclear war

:-o Uh oh!

(8-o It's Mr. Bill!

*:o) And Bozo the Clown!

:8) gorilla

3:] Pet smilie

3:[ Mean Pet smilie

E-:-) User is a Ham radio operator

:-9 User is licking his/her lips

%-6 User is braindead

[:-) User is wearing a walkman

(:I User is an egghead

<:-I User is a dunce

@:-) User is wearing a turban

:-0 No Yelling! (Quiet Lab)

:-: Mutant Smilie

.-) User only has one eye

,-) Ditto...but he's winking

X-( User just died

8 :-) User is a wizard

C=};*{)) Mega-Smilie... A drunk, devilish chef with a toupee in an updraft, a mustache, and a double chin

:) Midget smilie

:] Gleep...a friendly midget smilie who will gladly be your friend

:} - What should we call these? (what?)

:) - Happy

:] - Gleep

: - what?

:@ - what?

:D - Laughter

:I - Hmmm...

:( - Sad

:[ - Real Downer

:< - what?

:{ - what?

:O - Yelling

:C - what?

:Q - what?

:,( - Crying

[] - Hugs and

:* - Kisses

|I - Asleep

|^o -Snoring

:-` smiley spitting out its chewing tobacco

:-1 smiley bland face

:-! "

:-@ smiley face screaming

:-#| smiley face with bushy mustache

:-$ smiley face with it's mouth wired shut

:-% smiley banker

:-6 smiley after eating something sour

:^) smiley with pointy nose (righty)

:-7 smiley after a wry statement

8-) smiley swimmer

:-* smiley after eating something bitter

:-& smiley which is tongue-tied

:-9 smiley licking it's lips

:-0 smiley orator

:-( un-smiley

:-) smiley standard

smiley invisible man

(:-( unsmiley frowning

(:-) smiley big-face

):-) "

):-( unsmiley big-face

)8-) scuba smiley big-face

=:-) smiley punk-rocker

=:-( (real punk rockers don't smile)

+:-) smiley priest

:-q smiley trying to touch its tongue to its nose

:-e disappointed smiley

:-t cross smiley

:-i semi-smiley

:-o smiley singing national anthem

:-p smiley sticking its tongue out (at you!)

:-[ un-smiley blockhead

:-] smiley blockhead

:-{ smiley variation on a theme

:-} ditto

{:-) smiley with its hair parted in the middle

}:-) above in an updraft

:-a lefty smilely touching tongue to nose

:-s smiley after a BIZARRE comment

:-d lefty smiley razzing you

g-) smiley with ponce-nez glasses

:-j left smiling smilely

:-k beats me, looks like something, tho.

:-l y. a. s.

:-: mutant smiley

:-\ undecided smiley

:-| "have an ordinary day" smiley

;-) winking smiley

:-< real sad smiley

:- y.a.s.

:-z y.a.c.s.

:-x "my lips are sealed" smiley

:-c bummed out smiley

:-v talking head smiley

:v) left-pointing nose smiley

:-b left-pointing tongue smiley

:-/ lefty undecided smiley

:-? smilely smoking a pipe

.-] one-eyed smilely

,-} wry and winking

0-) smiley cyclops (scuba diver?)

:-=) older smiley with mustache

:u) smiley with funny-looking left nose

:n) smiley with funny-looking right nose

:< midget unsmiley

: midget smiley

}:^#}) mega-smiley: updrafted bushy-mustached pointy nosed smiley with

a double-chin

:-) ha ha ~~:-( net.flame

|-) hee hee O |-) net.religion

|-D ho ho

:- hey hey 8 :-I net.unix-wizards

:-( boo hoo X-( net.suicide

:-I hmm E-:-I net.ham-radio

:-O uh oh :-I net.startrek

:-P nyah nyah 3:o[ net.pets

|-P yuk

:-} beard

:-{ mustache

:-# braces

:-X bow tie

:-Q smoker

<:I dunce

(:I egghead

@:I turban

8-) glasses

B-) horn-rims

8:-) glasses on forehead

:-8( condescending stare

;-) wink

:-< mad

Drama :-( Comedy :-) Surpise :-o Suspense 8-|

Male :- Female -

Birth |-O Death 8-#

Infinity 8

The Basic Smileys:

:-) (normal)
:) (short version)
Your basic smiley. This smiley is used to inflect a joking or a happy statement.

-) (normal)
) (short version)
Winky smiley. User just made a flirtatious and/or sarcastic remark. More of a "don't hit me for what I just said" smiley.

:-( (normal)
:( (short version)
Frowning smiley. User did not like that last statement or is upset or depressed about something.

:-o (normal)
:( (short version)
An expression of surprise or shock.

:-I
Indifferent smiley. Better than a :-( but not quite as
good as a :-).

:-D (normal)
:D (short version)
A big happy face, laughing.

:-
User just made a really biting sarcastic remark. Worse than a -).

:-p (normal)
:p(short version)
User just stuck their tongue out at you.

:-}
Fancy grin/smiley - otherwise, same as regular smiley.

:-{
Fancy frown - same as regular frown.

Specialized smileys - you won't see these as often:

8-)
Wearing sunglasses

:-[
A Vampire smiley

:-x
A cyber-kiss

---<--{@
A cyber-flower, sending your love

:X
My lips are sealed

:-
User just made a really devilish remark.

<:-)
The dunce

P-)
Pirate

:-{
Count Dracula

=3D|:-)=3D
Uncle Sam

:*)
Clowning around

C=3D:-)
Chef

*<:-)
Santa Claus

C=3D}*{))
A drunk, devilish chef with a toupee in an updraft, a mustache, and a double chin.

}:^#})
Updrafted bushy-mustached pointy nosed smiley with a double-chin.

:-w
Speak with forked tongue

:-W
Shout with forked tongue

:-r
Bleahhh (sticking tongue out - another version)

:-f
Smirks

<:=3D=3D
A turkey emoticon

Assorted TLAs (three-letter acronyms): OK, ok, they're not all three-letters-but we didn't make them up. You'll see these as often as you'll see smileys.

LOL
Laughing out loud

ROFL
Rolling on the floor laughing

BTW
By the way

BRB
Be right back

TIA
Thanks in advance

IMHO
In my humble opinion

IMO
In my opinion

FAQs
Frequently asked questions

MUDs
Multi-user dungeons

URL
Uniform resource locator

The Canonical List of Polish Jokes

An American is walking down the street when he sees a Polak with a very long pole and a yardstick. He's standing the pole on its end and trying to reach the top of it with his yardstick.

Seeing the Polak's ignorance, the American wrenches the pole out of his hand, lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the yardstick, and says, "There! 10 feet long."

The Polak grabs the yardstick and shouts, "You idiot American! I don't care how long it is! I want to know how high it is!"

~2

Polish firing squad, stands in a circle.

~3

New Polish navy has glass bottom boats, to see to the old Polish navy.

~4

Polish wedding, the groom stands by the reset button (bowling joke).

~5

Polish kamikaze flew 48 successful missions.

~6

Polish loan shark lends out all his money, skips town.

~7

Q. Why don't polish women use vibrators? A. It chips their teeth.

~8

Q. How do you sink a polish battleship? A. Put it in water.

~9

Q: Have you seen the polish mine detector. A1: Put you fingers in your ears and start stamping the ground with your foot. A2: Start backing up and waving the detector in front of you.

~10

A polish guy wins a brand new sports car in a contest. He drives around all the time waving at the rednecks. One day the rednecks stop him, they draw a circle in the dirt and say "If you step out of that circle, we will kick your ass." They pick up hammers and start busting up his new car. They look back and the is smiling. They hit the car some more, and he is laughing. They walk over to him and ask "Why are you laughing, we just busted up your car."

He says "I know, but I stepped out of the circle 9 times."

~11

Did you hear about the terrible automobile accident last night? A polish family on vacation lost all of their children. The pickup truck they were riding in ran off the road into a lake and sank to the bottom. The parents got out of the cab OK but all the kids in the back drowned...they couldn't get the tailgate open.

~12

A Polish and an Italian are hunting in the woods. Suddenly a naked woman appears.
 Italian: Boy, I could eat her!...
 The Polish guy shot her.

~13

Why wasn't Christ born in Poland?
Because they couldn't find three wisemen and a virgin.

~14

Q: What do you get if you integrate around Europe?
A: Zero. Because there are no poles in Europe.

Actually, there are some Poles in Europe, but they're removable.

~15

Q: Why did the Polak cross the road?
A: He couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.

~16

Q: How do you get a one-armed Polak out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.

~17

The Minnesota Fish and Game Comission wanted to develop a fish that would offer more for their sportsmen so they crossed a Coho with a Walleye and called it a Kowal. It grew to a nice size and reproduced well but it wouldn't bite. They crossed the Kowal with a Muskie and called it a Kowalski but they were so stupid they had to teach them how to swim.

~18

Two Polish hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting.
They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home.

~19

These two Polish guys rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They are amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day, so one says to the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!"
The other asks, "But how will we remember where this spot is?"
The first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on
the bottom of the boat, and says, "We'll just look for this X tomorrow."
The other guy says, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?"

~20

Did you hear in the news that a 747 recently crashed in a cemetery in Poland? The Polish officials have so far retrieved 2000 bodies.

~21

A Pole, English, and French guy are running away from the German soldiers when they come up to a forest and they decide to hide by each climing a tree. When the Germans arrive, they go to the first tree where the English guy is, and shout, "We know you're up there; come down."
The English guy, thinking fast, says, "Twit, twit, twit..."
The Germans, thinking that it's a bird, move on to the next tree where the French guy is and once again shout, "We know you're up there; come down."
The French guy, thinking fast, says, "Woo, woo, woo..."
The Germans, thinking that it's an owl, move on to the next tree where the Polish guy is and once again shout, "We know you're up there; come down."

The Polish guy thinks for a while and then says, "Moo, moo, moo..."

~22

An English guy is driving with a Polish guy as his passenger, when he decides to pull over because he suspect that his turn signal may not be working. He asks the Polish guy if he doesn't mind stepping out of the car to check the lights while he tests them. The Polish guy steps out and stands in front of the car.

The English guy turns on the turn signal and asks, "Is it working?"

To which the Polish guy responds, "Yes, it's working....No, it's not working....Yes, it's working....No, it's not working...."

~23

On the menu of a Polish hotel:

Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

~24

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Polak, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"
The German responds, "I will take oil!"
So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Polak, "What do you want on your back?"

"I will take nothing!" says the Polak, and he stands there straight and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch.

"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American.

He responds, "I'll take the Polak!"

~24

Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast? A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.

~25

Q: Why do Polish police cars have stripes on the side? A: So the cops can find the handles.

~26

A patient goes to a polish doctor.
Patient:        I am having a hard time hearing. I cannot even hear myself cough.
Doctor:         Here is a prescription, take the midicine for 7 days, then return for a checkup.
Seven days later....
Patient:        Thanks a million Doctor; at least I can hear myself cough now.
                So what did you do to make me hear better?
Doctor:         Not much, I gave you medicine that increased your caugh.

~27

This Polak came home one day from work, hung up his coat, took off his hat and walked into his bedroom shouting "honey I am home!" What should he see but his best friend in bed with his wife. Infuriated, he rushed to the cupboard, pulled out his gun and put it to his head. His wife started laughing.

"Don't laugh!" he screams. "You're next!"

~28

A Polak, an American, and a German had a room full of dirty tampons, and they decided to have a contest to see who could stay in there the longest. First it was the American's turn. The other two locked him in the room and waited. A week later, they heard him whimpering and pounding on the door so they let him out.

"That is the sickest smell I have ever endured!" cried the American. "I couldn't stay in there another minute!"

Next it was the German's turn. After a month he finally banged on the door to be let out. "Oh God, that is the most putrid smell in the world! I couldn't take it another minute!" he cried as he gasped for breath.

Finally it was the Polak's turn. They locked him in the room and waited. A week went by, a month, a year. The German and American heard nothing. Finally they began to worry, so they yelled through the door, "You can come out now! You've won the contest by far!"

To which the Polak yelled back, "No, not yet! I'm not done eating the jelly donuts."

~29

Q: How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding? A: He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt.

~30

Q: How do you stop a Polish army on horseback? A: Turn off the carousel.

~31

A Polak wanted to join an amateur baseball team. The coach looked him over and decided to give him a chance.

"I will give you three questions," said the coach. "If you come back in a week and answer them all correctly, you're on the team."
"Fair enough!" said the Polak eagerly.
The coach proceeded, "Here are your questions. First, how many days are there in a week that start with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? And third, how many d's are there in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?'"

Next week, the Polak came back, feeling all confident that he knew the right answers. So again the coach said, "So how many days in the week that start with 'T'?"
The Polak said, "Two!"
"Very good!" said the coach. And what are they?"
"Today and Tomorrow!"
"Hmm... OK," said the coach. "How many seconds are there in a year?"
"Twelve!"
"Twelve? How did you come up with twelve?" The coach was perplexed.
"Well," said the Polak, "there's the second of January, thesecond of February, the second of..."
"Um.. OK," broke in the coach. "How many d's in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?'"
"Oh, that is easy!" laughed the Polak. "Three hundred and sixty-five!"
"WHAT?" cried the coach. "How did you get that figure?"
To which the Polak sang, "dee dee dee-dee-dee dee-dee...."

~32

A Polak saw a priest walking down the street. Noticing his collar, he stopped him and said, "Excuse me, but why are you wearing your shirt backwards?"
The priest laughed, "Because, my son, I am a Father!"
The Polak scratched his head. "But I am a father too, and I don't wear my shirt backwards!"
Again the priest laughed. "But I am a Father of thousands!"
To which the Polak replied, "Well then you should wear your shorts  backwards!"

~33

A Polak went to a carpenter and said, "Can you build me a box that is two inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long?"

"Hmm..." mused the carpenter. "It could be done, I suppose, but what would you want a box like that for?"

"Well, you see," said the Polak, "my neighbor moved away and forgot some things, so he asked me to send him his garden hose."

~34

Did you hear about the latest Polish invention? It's a solar-powered flashlight.

~35

A travelling salesman has an audience with the Pope and, not quite knowing what to say tries to break the ice with a joke...
"Have you heard the one about the two Polish priests, Holy Father?"
"But I _am_ Polish, my son."
There followed a pregnant pause while the salesman thought quickly ...
"That's OK, Holy Father, I'll tell you it slowly."

~36

Q:      How many Polaks does it take to change a light bulb?
A1:     3. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb and the other two to
        spin the chair.
A2:     100001.  One to hold the bulb and the other 100000 to spin the house.

~37

A Polak wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the Polak to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The Polak understood and was ready.

The time came to have the Polak jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded the Polak that he would be right behind him. The Polak proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the Polak.

The Polak seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?"

~38

Q: What do you do if a Polak throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell - he's still got a hand-grenade between his teeth.

~39

Q: What do you do if a Polak throws a hand-grenade at you?
A: Take the pin out and throw it back.

~40

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Polak were captured by the Germans and thrown into prison. However, the guard was rather kind towards them, and said, "I am going to lock you away for five years, _but_ I'll let you have anything you want now before I lock you away."

The Englishman says, "I'll have five years' supply of beer!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his beer.

The Frenchman says, "I'll have five years' supply of brandy!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his brandy.

The Polak says, "I'll have five years' supply of cigarettes!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his cigarettes.

Five years later, the Germans come to release their prisoners. First, they release the Englishman, who staggers out totally drunk. Then, they release the Frenchman, who also rolls out rather inebriated. Then, they release the Polak, who comes out and says, "Has anyone got a light?"

~41

A Polish guy is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women.

"Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they *want*?"

"Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way." "Wow! Thanks!" says the Polish guy, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies.

So he goes back to the Frenchman. "I'm sorry to bother you again," he says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I *still* haven't been able to meet a girl."

"Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You go to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way."

"Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman.

"Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach-- and still nothing! What more can I do?"

"Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why don't you try moving zee potato to the *front* of zee sweeming suit?"

~42

A Journalist has to write a story on the lack of meat in Poland. So he goes off to Poland and asks the people:
"Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?"
All the poles reply: "Meat? What is meat?"
Seeing he cannot get an answer in Poland he goes to the USSR and asks the Soviets:
"Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?"
All the Soviets reply: "Think? What is think?"
Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USSR he goes to the USA and asks the Americans:
 "Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?"
All the Americans reply: "Lack? What is lack?"
Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USA he decides to go to
Israel, and asks the Israelis:
"Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?"
To which all the Israelis reply: "Excuse me? What is excuse  me?"

~43

One Russian and one Polish workman were digging the foundations for a new road. After several hours of hard toil, the Polish guy hits his shovel on something hard in the ground. Both men work hurriedly to dig the object out and discover that its a treasure chest. On opening it they find jewels, coins, gold etc. beyond their wildest dreams. Both are wild with happiness and dance around madly. When they have calmed down, the Russian takes the Polish workman's hand and ernestly says "Sir, we will share this just like Russian - Polish comrades should" and the Polish guy says,

"Oh no, 50 - 50".

~44

A Russian party-official arrives late at night to his hotel (in Russia). He is not surprised to find that his reservation has been mislaid but he is more than a little peeved that his status in the party isn't enough to get him a good room anyway. However, the clerk insists, the only bed they have left is the fourth bunk in a 4-bed dorm - he'll have to make do with that. The Russian grumbles but eventually he picks up his suitcase and heads for the dorm. On his way, he meets a chamber-maid and thinking he might as well try to make friends with his room-mates, he asks her to bring them four cups of tea.

As he enters the dorm, he finds that the other three guests are Polish, they are having a fairly wild party and they're *very* drunk. They also ignore him totally from the moment he enters. After sitting there for several minutes, he realizes he can't stand them anymore and decides to pull a joke on them. He stands up, grasps a floor lamp and speaking into the light-bulb as if it were a microphone he says: "Comrade Colonel, we would like four cups of tea to our room immediately!" The Poles stare at him in disbelief, which turns to horror as the chamber-maid knocks on the door and delivers the tea a few minutes later. In about 30 seconds the Poles have all packed their bags and fled the hotel. Our Russian gets the entire room to himself. He sleeps very soundly.

The next morning, however, as he's checking out and is about to leave, the desk-clerk calls after him:

"By the way, Sir, the Comrade Colonel said to tell you he appreciated your little joke last night!"

~45

Man goes to a whore house. The Madam is out of women but, since the guy is Polish she thinks she can get away with a blow up doll and he will never know the difference. Being a bit nervous because she has never tried this one before, The Madam waits outside the door. The Ploack comes out in five minutes. "How was it?", says the Madam.

"I don't know," says the Polak, "I bit her on the tit and she farted and flew out the window!"

~46

Q: How do you know if a Polak has been using a computer? A: There's whiteout on the screen.

~47

Did you hear about the Polish Admiral who wanted to be burried at sea when he died? Five sailors died digging his grave.

~48

A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, "Hey! What do you have in the bag?" The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag. His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one."

The man says, "I'll tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."

~49

Q: How do you take census in a Polish village? A: Roll a quarter down the street, count the legs, divide by two, and subtract one for the Jew who catches it.

~50

Q: Who wears a dirty white robe and rides a pig? A: Lawrence of Poland.

~51

Q: Who wears a forest ranger's hat and carries a can of kerosene? A: Stanislaus the Fire Prevention Bear of the Polish National Forest Service.

~52

A Polak, a black guy, and a white guy were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help.

A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the white guy top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the white guy was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, "Hi there...what are you doing carring a glass of water through the desert?"

The white guy explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water.

A little while later the rancher noticed the black guy walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you doing?" asked the rancher again.

As before, the black guy explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he had the bread.

Finally the Polak appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you dragging that car door?"

"Well," said the Polak, "I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I'll roll down the window."

~53

Did you hear about the tragedy in Poland? In Poland's largest shopping mall, there was a terrible power outage. People were stuck on the escalators for 4 hours.

~54

Did you hear about the Polish family that froze to death outside a theater? They were waiting to see the movie "Closed for the Winter."

~55

Two Polish truck drivers are barreling along when they come up to an overpass. A sign says, "Clearance: 11"2'." So they get out, measure their truck, and realize that it's 11"6'. So the first Polak looks at the second Polak and says, "I don't see any cops around....let's go for it!"

~56

Polish Air Lines flight 113 was descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield and suddenly exclaimed to the copilot, "Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I`ve never seen one that short!"

The copilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you`re right! That`s incredible! Are you sure we can make it?"
"Well we better, were almost out of fuel."

So the captain got on the intercom and notified the passengers
to put their heads between their knees and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilot`s hands were sweating, the copilot was praying. They touched down and came screeching to a halt JUST before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking. "WHEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the captain."That runway was SHORT!"

"Yeah!" said the copilot,"and WIDE too!"

~57

Heard about the Polish hockey team? They all drowned in spring training.

~58

Hear what the Poles did with all their gold medals? Went home and got them bronzed.

~59

A Polak was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositiories. A week later the Pole complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results. "Have you been taking them regulary?" the doctor asked. "What do you think I've been doing," the Pole said, "Shoving them up my ass?"

~60

Did you hear about the gay Polak? He slept with women.

~61

The Polish government was tired of being the brunt of so many jokes about their stupidity so they decided to start a building project to prove that they weren't as dumb as the rest of the world made them out to be.

"Gentlemen," said the Minister of Public Works, "we have decided that we can prove to the world that we aren't as dumb as the world says we are by building the world's largest suspension bridge!" The assembly 'oohed' and 'ahhed' with appreciation. "But to REALLY show our intellectual superiority, we are going to build it in the most conspicuous and difficult place on Earth--the Sahara Desert!" Suddenly the assemblage erupted in mass confusion. Everyone was shouting, and slapping the Minister of Public Works on the back. They all agreed that this would settle this stupidity issue once and for all. And so they commenced to building.

Several months passed before the goverment council reconvened. The Minister of Public Works sadly took the pulpit. "As you have no doubt heard gentlemen, the suspension bridge construction project is an unmitigated disaster. The world is laughing even harder at us than ever before. We shall have to destroy it."

The Minister of Foreign Relations asked for the floor. "I'm sorry to report this, gentlemen, but we cannot destroy the bridge." Once again the government council broke out into mass confusion. Shouts of consternation were heard on every tongue. Finally, the hubbub died down enough for the Minister of Foreign Relations to be heard. "I know, I know," he cried, "but we just cannot get it torn down. Every crew we have sent there winds up fishing off of the side!"

~62

Q: How did the Polish mother teach her son which way to put his underwear on?
A: Yellow in the front, Brown in the back!

~63

Q: How do you know you're flying over Poland?
A: Toilet paper hanging on the clotheslines.

~64

Poland sent its top team of scientists to attend the international science convention, where all the countries of the world gathered to compare their scientific achievements and plans. The scientists listened to the United States describe how they were another step closer to a cure for cancer, and the Russians were preparing a space ship to go to Saturn, and Germany was inventing a car that runs on water. Soon, it was the Polish scientists' turn to speak. "Well, we are preparing a space ship to fly to the sun." This, of course was met with much ridicule. They were asked how they planned to deal with the sun's extreme heat. "Simple, we're going at night!"

~65

Q: Do you know why the new football stadium they built in Warsaw could  not be used?
A: No matter where you sat you were behind a Pole.

~66

The Polish were entrenched on the front opposite the Germans during one of the battles of WWII. As hard as they tried, the Germans couldn't hit any of the Polish soldiers because they kept low in the ditches. Finally one of the Germans hit upon an idea. "Hey Krachevski, is that you?" he yelled at the Polish trench.

Krachevski stood up in his trench and said, "Yeah, it's me!" and was immediately shot by the Germans.

The Polish soldiers pondered this over and decided that it was a good idea. "Is that you, Wilhelm?" one of the Polish soldiers yelled to the German trench.

"Yeah, it's me Markowski," replied one of the German soldiers. "Why don't you come over here?"
"OK, I'm coming...."

Bang!

~67

Polish executive sexually harassing his secretary: "Either I'm going to masturbate in my office right now or you're going to lose your job."

~68

Q: Why do Polish names end in "ski" ?
A: Because they can't spell tobbagan.

~69

Q: Did you hear about the Polak who married an Amish woman?
A: He drove her buggy.

~70

Q: Did you hear about the new automatic Polish parachutes?
A: They open on impact.

~71

There was once a Polak who was extremely sad with life because people always made fun of him. He decided to do something about it. He sat back and thought about it. Suddenly he thought - "I have never seen anyone making fun of Italians. So, if I start talking and behaving like them, no one will be able to make out that I am Polish and make fun of me." He went into isolation for three months and after a lot of practice, he walked confidently into a shop and said, "I am a very hungry. Give me some pepperoni and zucchini."

Immediately, the man behind the counter said "Are you a Polak?" This guy was taken aback and he repeated his request. The man behind the counter said, "Are you a Polak or not?"

This man was finally very ashamed and amazed at the shop owner's discerning ability and so he admitted to the fact after which he asked, "But how did you know?"

The shopkeeper replied, "This is a hardware store!"

~72

Q: Did you see the polish submarine with a screen door?
A: Dont laugh, it keeps the fish out.

~73

Q: Did you hear about the Polish Helicopter crash?
A: The pilot got cold, so he turned off the fan.

~74

Q: Did you know that Poland just bought 10,000 Septic Tanks?
A: As soon as they learn how to drive 'em, they are going to invade

Russia.

~75

Q: Did you hear about the Polak who thought his wife was trying to kill him?
A: On her dressing table he found a bottle of "Polish Remover".

~76

A group of Italians (or whatever) and a group of Poles heard that the telephone company was looking for people so they went and applied. The telephone company decided to give them a test before hiring anyone so they sent the teams out to install telphone poles. At the end of the day they reported back on how they had done. The Italian team had installed 10 telephone poles and the Polish team one. The Italians were hired but the Polish team protested that the Italians had cheated because the Italians left most of the poles sticking out of the ground.

~77

Q: Why do Polish hate Cauchy's dog? (hint on Cauchy-Riemann theorem)
A: Because it leaves residues at each Pole.

~78

Q: What's the motto of the Polish Solidarity Union?
A: Every man for himself.

~79

There's a toll free number you can call that's a recording of a Polish joke. There's a different joke every day. Just dial 1-800-POLISH-Q.

~80

THE OFFICIAL POLISH SEX QUIZ

Study each question carefully. Then, choose the answer that seems most correct (True or False) and mark an "X" (just like you sign your name) under the appropriate heading on the right side.
                                                              TRUE  FALSE
 1. A clitoris is a type of flower.                         |______|______|
 2. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit.                            |______|______|
 3. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird.                      |______|______|
 4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble.|______|______|
 5. Menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels.                   |______|______|
 6. A G-string is part of a violin.                         |______|______|
 7. Semen is another word for "sailor".                     |______|______|
 8. Anus is the Latin word for "yearly".                    |______|______|
 9. Testicles are found on an octopus.                      |______|______|
10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles.                      |______|______|
11. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.                 |______|______|
12. KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas.               |______|______|
13. Coitus is a musical instrument.                         |______|______|
14. Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke".                     |______|______|
15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.               |______|______|
16. A condom is an apartment complex.                       |______|______|
17. An organism is the person who accompanies the chior     |      |      |
    in church.                                              |______|______|
18. A diaphram is a drawing in geometry.                    |______|______|
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.                   |______|______|
20. An erection is when the Japanese vote for their new     |      |      |
    government officials.                                   |______|______|
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.             |______|______|
22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass.         |______|______|
23. Pornography is the business of making record albums.    |______|______|
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins.              |______|______|
25. Douche is the Italian word for "twelve"                 |______|______|
26. An enema is someone who is not your friend.             |______|______|
27. Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese.         |______|______|

~81

Following the assault of a young woman, the police rounded up the usual suspects for a lineup; suddenly, the Polish suspect stepped forward and screamed "That's her!!"

~82

WARSAW, Poland (AP) -- A man who wanted to practice shooting was hospitalized Monday after his dog shot him.

The unidentified man left his gun unattended in the yard of his summer house to prepare a target when his dog accidentally pulled the trigger while sniffing around, the PAP news agency reported.

Surgeons removed five dozen pellets from the man's body, but his wounds were not considered life-threatening.

The incident occurred in the northern town of Bytow.

~83

Q: How do you get a Polak out of the bath tub?
A: Throw in a bar of soap.

~84

Q: What's delaying the Polish space program?
A: Development of a working match.

~85

These two Polaks are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away.
He replies, "Those ones were pointed on the wrong end."
The buddy gets exasperated and says "You idiot, those are for the other side of the house!"

~86

Three men were all applying for the same job as a detective. One was Polish, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. Rather than ask the standard questions during the interview, the chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer.

When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked, "Who killed Jesus Christ?"

The Jewish man answered without hesitation "The Romans killed him." The chief thanked him and he left.

When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man who then left.

When the Polish man arrived for his interview, he was asked the exact same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, "Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tommorrow."

When the Polish man arrived home, his wife asked "How did the interview go?" He replied, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder!"

~87

Q: What are the two biggest Polish lies?
A: The check's in your mouth, and I won't come in the mail.

~88

Following the assault of a young woman, the police rounded up the usual suspects for a lineup; suddenly, the Polish suspect stepped forward and screamed "That's her!!"

~89

Polish knock-knock joke:

First Pole: Knock-Knock!
Second Pole: Come in!

~90

I had a friend that was a very good Polish joke teler and we were at a local tavern on day and having a few beers.....he began
telling Polish jokes.
The guy next to us was listening for quite some time, when he finally came over to out table and said..."I am polish and I can take a Polish joke as well as the next Polok but your continued bashing of my race is getting a little old. Could you please change the subject?
We did.
Shortly thereafter.....my friend had to to to the bathroom and the burley Polok got up and followed him into the bathroom. They were in there for QUITE A WHILE and when they FINALLY came out, I asked my friend what "What happened in there?" He said "Well, you saw him follow me into the can.......Well he pulled a RAZOR ON ME! Really scared the hell out of me! And boy oh boy would I have ever been in a pickle if he had fould a place to PLUG IT IN! :-)

~91

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."

Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responded, "120." So the robot started talking about the superbowl, dirt bikes, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."

A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "80."
The robot then said, "So, how are things in Poland these days?"

~92

Guy walks into a bar, sits downs and starts to make conversation with guy at next table. "Want to hear the worlds's worst Polish Joke?"

#2 says "Sure, but before you tell it, let me tell you something. See those two bikers over there by the door-real mean motherfuckers-??? They're Polish. And those two bouncers by the bar? They're Polish too! The Bartender?? Polish!! And one more thing pal, I'm Polish too!!! Now..... still want to tell that joke?"

"Hell no!", replies #1, "I don't want to have to explain it 6 times!"

~93

I heard they closed the zoo in Warsaw. The duck died.

~94

Q: Did you hear about the Polish man that locked his keys in his car?
A: He had to use a coat hanger to get his family out.

~95

Q: Why do Polish dogs have flat noses?
A: From chasing parked cars.

~96

A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of Polish vodka. As the bartender slides the drink to the patron, a man sitting next to him remarks, "That's a coincidence, I, too, am enjoying a Polish vodka. Since I arrived from the old country, this is the only bar in which I have found it."

To which the first replies, "Old country, I'm from the old country. Let me buy you another!"

As the drinks are being poured, one of the men asks, "What part of the old country are you from?"
"Krakow," replies the other.
"This is weird," says the first, "I, too, am from Krakow!  Let's get another shot."
After the new round arrives, the first asks, "So, pal, what did you do back in Krakow?'
"Not much, really, I came here right out of high school.  I graduated from Lech Walesa Technical Academy in '81."
"This is eerie," replies the other, "I'm Welesa Tech, '81. Let's get another shot."

But the bartender says, "Slow down fellas, I gotta make a call."
The bartender calls his wife and tells her that he'll be late getting home. When she inquires as to the cause, he replies, "Oh, the friggin' Liszjewski twins are here again."

~97

Q: What do you get when you cross a 1-legged Polak with a Mongoloid?
A: A Polaroid One-Step.

~98

Q: Did you hear about the Polak who studied for 5 days?
A: He was scheduled to take a urine test.

~99

Q: How do you confuse a Polak?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to piss in the corner.

~100

Q: How do you keep a Polak in suspense?

~101

Q: Why are there no ice cubes in Poland?
A: They forgot the recipe.

~102

Q: What happens when a Polak doesn't pay his garbage bill?
A: They stop delivering.

~103

Q: How do Polaks form a car pool?
A: They meet at work.

~104

Q: How do you ruin a Polish party?
A: Flush the punch bowl.

~105

Q: What is long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?
A: A new last name.

~106

Q: What happened to the Polish National Library?
A: Someone stole the book.

~107

After WWII, two Poles returned to their destroyed village to locate the first one's wife. Going through the rubble, Victor came across a dismembered arm and called over, "Hey, Stanley, wasn't this Anya's arm? I think this is the wristwatch you gave her."

"I dunno, Victor," said Stanley, and they continued the search.

A little while later, Victor came across a severed leg. "Stanley, couldn't this be part of Anya? She had great legs." Stanley shrugged and they walked on.

Finally the energetic Victor came across a woman's head, which he held out at arm's length for his friend's inspection.

"Nope," said Stanley at last. "Anya was a lot taller."

~108

A Polak was jumped by two muggers and fought like hell, but was finally subdued. His attackers then proceeded to go through his pockets. "You mean you fought like that for 57 cents?" asked one of the muggers increduously.

"Is that all you wanted?" moaned the Pole. "I thought you were after the $400 in my shoe!"

~109

Q: Why did the Polish couple decide to have only 4 children? A: They'd read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies

born in the world today is Chinese.

~110

Q: What did the Polish mother say when her daughter announced that she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's yours?"

~111

Two Poles emigrated to America. On their first day off the boat in New York City, they spied a hot dog vendor in the street. "Do they eat dogs in America?" one asked the other.
"I dunno."
"Well, we're going to live here, so we might as well learn to do as they do."
So they each bought a hot dog wrapped up in wax paper and sat down to eat them on a nearby park bench. One Pole looked inside his wax paper, then over at the other Pole and asked, "What part did you get?"

~112

Two Polaks are walking down opposite sides of a river when they notice each other. One invites the other one over. "I can't swim", he replies. "Why don't you come over here?"

The other guy says, "I can't swim, either. What are we gonna do?"

First guy says, "Wait! I got a flashlight. I'll turn it on, and you walk across the beam to this side."

The second guy replies, "No way! I'll get half-way across, and you'll turn the flashlight off!"

~113

Kowalski and Lisjewski are hard at work cleaning out the sewer on a sweltering day in July, beneath the streets of the Bronx. Kowalski says, "I really hate this crummy smelly job shovellin' shit!"
Lisjewski says, "Yuh! Me too, I hate it."
K says, "How come you and me is down here underground shovellin' shit and breakin' our backs, when Rafaelli is up there sittin' in the truck with the air-conditioner on, smokin' cigarettes and readin' the newspaper? That's what I'd like to know!"
L says, "Yuh! How come izzat?"
K says, "You know what I'm gonna do? I'm going up there and I'm gonna say that to Rafaelli just like I said it to you, and then we'll see what he's got to say."
L says, "Yuh, go up there and ask 'im what you said."
So K brushes the scuzz off his pants, and climbs up the ladder to the street and goes over to the truck, and motions Rafaelli to come out. R says, "Whattayou want, Kowalski? And hurry up, it's hot out here."

K says, "Well, I just wanna know one thing, Rafaelli. Howcum me 'n' Lisjewski is down there underground shovellin' shit, and yer up here in the air-conditionin', smokin' cigarettes all day? How come?"

R smiles and says, "Is that all you wanted to know? That's real easy, Kowalski." He holds his hand out in front of the heavy iron truck bed and says, "OK, Kowalski, hit my hand real hard."

K unloads a huge haymaker and, of course, R pulls his hand away quickly. K smashes his fist against the truck.

OK, Kowalski," says R, "*That's* the reason why I get to stay up here in the truck, and you and L gotta shovel shit in the sewer. Do you get it now?"

K nods and returns to the ladder, rubbing his hand. When he gets back down into the tunnel, L is waiting for him - "What'd he say, Kowalski? How come izzit that Rafaelli gets to sit up there in the truck, and we gotta come down here and shovel shit?"

K says, "I don't know if you're gonna be able to understand this but I'll try to explain it just like Rafaelli told me. Now... hit my hand real hard..." and Kowalski holds his hand up in front of his face....

~114

Q: Did you hear about the man who was Polishing the flagpole?
A: He varnished into thin air!

~115

Three prisoners, an American, a German, and a Polak, are scheduled to be executed by firing squad. They bring out the American and stand him in front of the pole. He points and shouts, "Tornado!" They all look and the American runs away. Next, they place the German in front of the firing squad. He yells "Earthquake!" They all hit the dust and the German escapes. Next up is the Polak. He looks around and shouts "Fire!"

~116

An Italian, an American, and a Polak were captured by the French for various crimes and are taken to the Guillotine. The executioner places the Italian on the block and asks if he has any last words. The Italian replies, "I pray to the Virgin Mary that I may live." They drop the blade it it stops a mere inch above the Italian's neck. Amazed, the French let him go.

Next, the American is put in position and asked if he has any final words. He replies, "In the name of Jesus Christ, please have mercy." They drop the blade, and again it stops just an inch from the American's neck. In disbelief, they let him go free.

Then the Polak is placed on the block, and they ask if he has any last words. He says, "Yeah. You've got a knot in your rope."

~117

A Polak is hired to paint the lines on the road. On the first day he paints ten miles, and his employers are amazed. But, the second day he painted just five, and on only the third day, he painted only a mile of the road. Disappointed his boss asks what the problem was. The Polak replies, "Well sir, every day I have to walk farther and farther to get back to the paint bucket."

~118

There are three construction workers on top of a building having lunch. One Italian, one Polak, and one Oriental. The Italian has a meatball hero, the Oriental has noodles, and the Polak has knockwurst. The Italian and the Oriental are tired of having the same lunches everyday. The Italian says that if he gets a meatball hero the next day that he will throw it off the building. The Oriental says that if he gets noodles tommorow he will also throw it off the building. The Polak says that if he gets knockwurst tommorow he will throw it off the building.

Sure enough the Italian and Oriental workers open their lunch-boxes and they find that they have a meatball hero and noodles respectively. They both throw their lunches off the building. The Polak them throws his sandwich off the building. The other guys ask him how he knew that it was knockwurst again without even looking. He responded by saying, "Because I pack my own lunch."

~119

A Polak is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggrevation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

So the Polak takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?", the Polak asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day", the Polak tells himself. So, the next morning the Polak gets up at 4 in the morning and cuts, and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and he only manages to cut five cords.

The Polak is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer", the Polak says to himself. The very next day the Polak brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the Polak's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Huh, it looks fine." Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the Polak responds, "What's that noise?"

~120

Q: What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
A: The four-ten split.

(hint: four-ten is when these bowling pins remain standing)

~121

Q: Why did the Polak sell his water skis?
A: He couldn't find a lake with a hill in it.

~122

Q: You go to a cockfight. How do you know if a Polak is there?
A: He's the one with a duck.

Q: How do you know if an Italian is there?
A: He bet on the duck.

Q: How do you know if the Mafia is there?
A: The duck wins.

Light Bulb Jokes

Two. One to do it and one to scratch his bum.

New jokes

With each joke I am now also storing the date it has been added. This makes it possible for the search engine to list all jokes that have been added or changed within the last week.

Random joke

How many Random Light Bulb Joke readers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They just wait for a new one to be loaded.

A simple CGI script randomly picks a joke from the collection. If you run Netscape 1.1b1, it will automatically pick a joke again and again and again... until you select another URL or hit the `Back' button.

File statistics

How many statisticians does it take to change a light bulb?
This should be determined using a nonparametric procedure, since statisticians are not normal.
Walt Pirie to hold the bulb and one psychologist, one economist, one sociologist and one anthroplogist to pull away the ladder.
One -- plus or minus three (small sample size). Note: Someone has been asking this as a bonus question on statistics exam papers for quite a while. Judging from some of his own students' exam answers, it depends on whether the light bulb is negatively or positively screwed.
Short ones:

The following categories are available:

People from various countries and states Politics
Computers
Professions
Sports and games
People
Animals and others

People from various countries and states

How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to write the environmental impact statement. How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs!
Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to share the experience. How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.
Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it. How many Alaskan women does it take to change a light bulb?

"Hey Bob, this is Carol ... I think I have a light bulb out over here." How many Alaskan men does it take to change a light bulb?

Oh, none ... they just have one of their girlfriends do it. [bitter laugh] How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb?
None of your fuckin' business, get outta my way!
50. 50? Yeah 50; it's in the contract. How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness. How many Canadians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. One to spray green paint onto the bulb so noone bashes it with a big stick, one to change it, one to suggest they all roll a log down a hill to celebrate, and one to invite all the others round to his log cabin so they can all watch his moose moult.
Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck. How many Torontonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Fifty-one to do it and the other forty-nine to proclaim it's the greatest event in the history of creation, a truly world-class bulb screwing.
One, but he leaves the old bulb in the parking lot of the Walden Galleria. How many Filipinoes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

We don't know. The new bulb keeps getting shot at the airport. How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What do you mean change it? It's a perfectly good bloody bulb! We have had it for a thousand years and it has worked just fine. How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Ve are asking ze qvestions here!
Two, one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one to screw it in.
None. They assign the task to a gastarbeiter. How many Belgians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to put some chips with it. How many Argentinians does it take to change a light bulb?

9000 and its their light bulb How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They don't need to, they glow in the dark. How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike! How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for publication so St. Jude may grant the light bulb request, one to say the Last Rites for the old light bulb, ten volunteer firemen to break into the house and smash the old light bulb to bits, fifty to protest the abortion of the old light bulb, ten to organize a lawn fete and spaghetti dinner at Our Most Holy Precious Blood of the Seventeen Martyred Saints R.C. Church to raise funds to buy a new light bulb (and the Monsignor a new pair of bowling shoes as a gift on St. Stanislaus Day), twenty from Chiavettas Catering to serve the food, twenty to run the Monte Carlo gambling tent, fifty to run everything else, one to go to Koplinskis Appliances to buy the light bulb, one to screw it in, five to say the Rosary as the bulb is being screwed in, and the Monsignor to bless it. How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Soviet emigres are used to sitting in the dark.
One, and a lot of light bulbs.
Three. One to force the bulb in with a hammer, one to steal more bulbs, one to ask NYANA for a bigger hammer.
Four. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb, two to lift the chair by its legs, one to call an American and to ask which way to turn the chair. How many light bulbs does it take to change a Soviet emigre?

One, if you aim well. What do a Soviet emigre and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?

Neither one is very bright. A Soviet emigre climbs on a dinner table to change a light bulb. His girlfriend tries to put a newspaper under his dirty sneakers. ``Don't bother, I'll reach it anyway.'' How many African Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drive the pink Cadillac in tight circles.
Four hundred to march on the power company and threaten to burn it down if they don't hire some African Americans to do it. How many Italian-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I dunno exactly, but my brothers girlfriends fathers boss secretary's sister's next door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Seargant-of-Arms nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once. How many Italians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to sprinkle it with Parmesan. (Refers to the Italian restaurant habit of sprinkling everything with Parmesan, even though it makes everything smell convincingly of sick.) How many Asians does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change it and two to go to the cash & carry. How many Serbs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two-one to shoot the old bulb out and one to screw the new one in. How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity anymore. How many Iraqi soldiers does it take to change a light bulb?

One. He takes it back to Baghdad for safe keeping..... How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb?

One hundred - One to screw it in and 99 to hold the house hostage. How many Shiites does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to hijack a light bulb, one to commandeer a jet to Beirut airport, one to hold press conferences, and one to negotiate with Israel and the US for the release of fluorescent bulbs held in hostage around the world!! How many Israelis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Six-four to storm the room and take control of it, one to forcibly eject the old bulb, and another one to screw it in. How many Arabs does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but it took three U.S. advisors to tell them that it was burnt out in the first place. How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One to change the bulb and fifteen to stand around and say "Good on yer, mate!" How many New Zealanders does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but you have to pry him off the sheep first. How many armies does it take to change a light bulb?

At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up really easily after only trying for a little while, the Italians to make a start, get nowhere, and then try again from the other side, the Americans to turn up late and finish it off and take all the credit, and the Swiss to pretend nothing out of the ordinary is happening.

Politics

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it. How many dead politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as possible. How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?
1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
None, they can all see by the light at the end of the tunnel. How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in light bulbs, so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we need a Constitutional ammendment.
Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he can handle screwing one extra light bulb. How many presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?

Less and less all the time. How many believable, competent, "just right for the job" presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?

It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it? How many presidential campaign staff does it need to change a light bulb?

220! One to write a speech about how good it will be when the bulb is actually changed, one to write a speech about why the other candidates can't even spell "light bulbe", eighteen to find out what the other candidates did when the light bulb failed, and another two hundred to find out what the other candidate's families think about light bulbs, bulbs, pear-shaped objects, light in general, any form of energy. How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb?

None, they like to keep him in the dark. How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
Two -- One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.
None -- He'll only promise "change." How many Presidential family members does it take to screw in a light bulb in the White House?

Two, Hillary for her office, Bill for the rest of the White House. How many Limbaugh-heads does it take to change a light bulb?

The number is irrelevant; they just stand around muttering "ditto". And they don't do anything in the first place. How many Oliver Norths does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Hell, how can he? He sold all the light bulbs to Iran. How many Douglas Wilders does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I don't know, he can't decide if he is going to screw a light bulb in or not! (Douglas Wilder dropped his candidacy for a seat in the Senate for Virginia, but then redecided to run after all.) How many Chuck Robbs does it to take to screw in a light bulb?

None, Douglas Wilder broke his lamp and Oliver North sold his light bulb to Iran. How many Dan Quayles does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb. How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, at least until we get some corroborating witnesses. How many Reagans does it take to change a light bulb?
What light bulb? Note: Topical to Reagan's apparent poor memory.
Just one - Nancy. Note: Topical to Reagan's dependence on Nancy and her apparent de facto ascent to power in 1987 How many Reaganists does it take to change a light bulb?

Ten: One to deny that the bulb is burned out, one to clarify the denial ("The bulb is really just dim"), one to blame the bulb burning out on the Carter administration, one to blame the bulb burning out on Congress, one to ask for a Constitutional amendment that will prohibit bulbs from burning out, one to replace the bulb with a kerosene lamp, one to borrow money from the Japanese to pay for the kerosene, one former Reaganist to lobby his old colleagues for a special favour for the kerosene importer, one to cash the cheque for investing in the kerosene importer, one to send the bill to the next generation. How many Perot supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they all just quit and go home! How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.
Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
Two. One to assume the latter (a pun) and change the bulb.
None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in. How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
None. "There is no need to change the light bulb. All the conditions for illumination are in place. Recent surveys show growing confidence in the light bulb lighting up again."
None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting brighter !!! How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?

None. "Well it's not really a question of should we change it or should we not change the light bulb, but more a question of...(blah blah waffle)" How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social, economic, and ethnic communities.
Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from jerking.
None: They can't remove the old ones since they are already part of the environment. How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to do it and one to steady the chandelier.
None, they only screw the poor How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb. How many Labour Party members does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They haven't got a policy on that. How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, if he wants to sit in the dark, it's his business.
None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in the dark. How many Thatcherites does it take to change a light bulb?

None. It's up to the private sector to provide the finance for it. How many John Majors does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to not do anything about it and one to try and blame the failure of the old bulb on the Labour party who put the original bulb in place 17 years ago. How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
None, the old bulb is just suffering from a cold. How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two - one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets.
One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt out. How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an '800' number to order an American light bulb. How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?

None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the light bulb itself. How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?
None, that's the proletariat's work!
Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production! How many KGB agents does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and the other to check it for microphones. How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?

10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution. How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant "Fight Darkness!" How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

All of them.

Computers

How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people. How many IBM CPU's does it take to turn on a light bulb?

33 - 1 to process the instruction and 32 to process the interrupt. How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

We don't know yet. They're still waiting on a part. How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. "We'll fix it in software."
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "We'll document it in the manual."
None. It's a hardware problem.
One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one to document it, and one to maintain it afterwards.
Four, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one technical writer to correct the spelling and grammar of the one who documented it, one light bulb librarian, a sales-force of at least five to drum up enough users who want to turn the light on, 274 users to burn out the new bulb, at which point we go to tender for another light bulb change,...
Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late.
Wait! Maybe the bulb isn't broken. Let's try it again.
It's hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its modules to do unit testing, it stops working.
The change is 90% complete.
We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying to maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait two months?
Only one, but she's not available. She's the only programmer we have who can get the <insert name here software ready to ship to customers, and that's higher priority, you know.
Of course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it took was a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change a light bulb. How many real programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Real programmers prefer LEDs. How many C programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they forgot to declare it first How long does it take a C programmer to screw in a light bulb?

24 hours - 3 minutes to put in the bulb, the rest of the time to compile all the libraries. How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message. How many people does it take to change an object-oriented light bulb?

Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it. How many FORTRAN programs does it take to change a light bulb?

1.00000000001 How many BASIC programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

10 push bulb upwards:twist bulb clockwise 20 goto 10 How many games machine programmers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?

One, but he needs the seal of approval from Nintendo before he can put his light-bulb in their socket. How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

False. How many Lisp programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out.... Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out.... Notes: LISP is a recursive programming language. One problem LISP programmers have to contend with is infinite recursion. (cf computer dictionary entry: recursion - see recursion) These lisp heads are usually research AI types and their standard answer is as in the punchline. It could be improved:
(((H)mmm,) (I'm ((not) sure, better))) (find (out))... How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?

Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time. How many tech writers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. "The user can work it out." How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?

The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . . How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
Who can tell. FSE's are always in the dark.
Two. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)
Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software problem. How long will it take?

That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with them. What if you have two dead bulbs?

They replace your fuse box. How many system administrators does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just keep everyone out of the room. How many IBM engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a feature. How many IBM PC owners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra.
Two. One to do it, but one to check the new bulb for viruses first. How many IBM tech writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it. How many Microsoft engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They just define darkness as an industry standard. How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb?
One - but Bill Gates must inspect every single bulb and socket before the operation is started.
Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world. How many MS tech supports does it take to change a light bulb?

"The light bulb doesn't work? You must be using a non-standard socket." How many operating systems are required to screw in a light bulb?

Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for it. How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to write WinGetLight BulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLight Bulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle... How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but she/he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user. How many Macintosh engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None - it has to be done by a local authorized dealer. How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Seven. One to screw it in and six to design the tee-shirts. How many Apple programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but why bother? Your light socket will just be obsolete in six months anyway. How many Mac owners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None - there's no documentation available, so you have to wait until a third-party supplier comes out with a solution.
Just one, but the new light bulbs aren't compatible with the old sockets, so he has to buy a complete upgrade or a new light.
Two: One to ask the socket to eject the old bulb, and one to insert the new one.
Three: One to change the bulb, one to copyright the method for changing the bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on anyone who infringes on the "look and feel" of the bulb changing method.
Mac users don't screw, they just click the genital icon. How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a light bulb?

An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they're arguing. Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not the function is exponential is not known. How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
One, but first he has to determine the correct path. How many Unix programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but if you forget to tell him "2" he'll mash both the live and dead bulbs into the same socket at once. How many Unix Support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Read the man page! How many Unix system vendors does it take to change a light bulb?

None. All of the light bulbs you have are 'standard variants' and as such won't fit your particular implementation of the socket. (However you do have the source code for your socket, so .....) How many VMS heads does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them, and they will all scream at you in unison and tell you that the only light bulb you can use is a 100-watt soft white but you can use any 100-watt soft white as long as it's manufactured by DEC.

Professions

How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb?

None, They don't make Pampers small enough. How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two - one to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection slip to the old bulb. How many journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five-one to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so you can decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably similar one in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big one come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then completely out of date, a fourth to hint in his/her column that a completely new and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a rumor that that new bulb is shipping with a virus.
How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?

1/3 as many as for a regular bulb.
How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a light bulb?

Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I've just cashed up. How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb?

None, even a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye. How many waitresses does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. Two to stand around bitching about it and one to go get the manager. How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I don't know, but I can look it up for you. How many cataloguers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but the Library of Congress has to do it first. How many loggers does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but he uses a chainsaw.
How many Dixons assistants does it take to change a light bulb?

Err. Nahh, it's MEANT to go dark after a few weeks. It's a new fangled addition. It's been developed by, er, (etc...)
How many grocery store cashiers does it take to change a light bulb?

Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill. How many London taxi drivers does it take to change a light bulb?

(Cue typical indignant Saaaaf London accent) What? Go all the way up there and come back empty? You must be jokin' mate ! How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb?

Four - one to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof. How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
Six - One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.
Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the whole socket. How many Mafia members does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change the light bulb and one to kill the witness. How many teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?