Wordly Wise

*Compiled from actual resumes by Robert Half International*

I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.

Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

It's best for employers that I not work with people.

Let's meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

I Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.

I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

I am loyal to my employer at all costs.

Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

My goal is to be meteorologist.  But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

Personal interests: Donating blood.  Fourteen gallons so far.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job hopping. I have never quit a job.

Marital status: Often. Children: various.

Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

Finished eighth in my class of ten.

References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me. 

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234.Leave mess.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35 Chicken or Beef $2.25 Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficientbeating.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Two blondes were driving through Louisiana.  As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation  of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood  at the counter, one blonde asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?  Would you please pronounce where we are,...very slowly?"

The manager leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr - gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing."

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him
what he was doing.

"Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started :Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."

Worst Analogies (taken from High School papers)

Our future is in good hands.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown)

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala. )

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

Kids' Ideas of Science

These beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and class room discussions most were from fifth and sixth- graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the "most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop."

One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.

When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to be oil.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live other places.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would reseive this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould be announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of ze Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35 Chicken or Beef $2.25 Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him.

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.

Home is where the house is.

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think it odd that I drive without pants.

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what
happens to cheese when you leave it out.

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with!

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks.

Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!"

If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add the words "dot com" to the end of everything you say, dot com.

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.

THIRD RUNNER UP

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died.

SECOND RUNNER UP

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower.

FIRST RUNNER UP

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.

WINNER

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.

H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water

To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide

Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water

The three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars

Blood flows down one leg and up the other

Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration

The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader

Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to

A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors

The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is

Equator: a managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa

Germinate: to become a naturalized German

Liter: a nest of young puppies

Magnet: something you find crawling all over a dead cat

Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away

Planet: a body of earth surrounded by sky

Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot

Vacuum: a large, empty space where the pope lives

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose

For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops

For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill him

For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat

To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow

Dean Son,

I am writing this slow because I know you can't read too fast.

We don't live where we did when you left. Your Dad read in the paper that most car accidents happened within twenty mile of home, so we moved. I can't send you the address as the last Newfie family that lived here took the numbers with them for their next house so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine, but the first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

It rained only twice last week - three days the first time and four days the second.

About the coat you wanted me to send you. Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home and it said that if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral, up she comes.

About your sister - she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he bravely fought them off and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in their pick-up. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out - he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned - they couldn't get the tailgate open.

Aunt Mabel is knitting you some socks. She would have sent them by now, but I told her that you had grown another foot since she last saw you, so she has to knit another one.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened. Love,
Mom

You speak American and not English

In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpuse.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpuse.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodist.

A traslated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

In a Rome laudry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian turist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coates made for ladies from their own skin.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranted to work throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towel please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read this notis.

In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are espected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

In the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up the country people's fashion.

In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers. 

The Queen's English

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee beopposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it. 

Menu Items

Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce       -  China
Indonesian Nazi Goreng                                      -  Hong Kong
Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos                          -  Cairo
Prawn cock and tail                                         -  Cairo
Cock in wine/Lioness cutlet                                 -  Cairo
French fried ships                                          -  Cairo
Garlic Coffee                                               -  Europe
Sole Bonne Femme (Fish Landlady style)                      -  Europe
Boiled Frogfish                                             -  Europe
Sweat from the trolley                                      -  Europe
Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream                  -  China
Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse     -  Hong Kong
Roasted duck let loose                                      -  Poland
Beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion       -  Poland
Fried freindship                                            -  Nepal
Strawberry crap                                             -  Japan
Pork with fresh garbage                                     -  Vietnam
Toes with butter and jam                                    -  Bali
Goose Barnacles                                             -  Spain
French Creeps                                               -  L.A.
Fried fishermen                                             -  Japan
Buttered saucepans and fried hormones                       -  Japan
Teppan Yaki - Before Your Cooked Right Eyes                 -  Japan
Pepelea's Meat Balls                                        -  Romania

Product Names

Clean Finger Nail      -  Chinese tissues
Kolic                  -  Japanese mineral water
Creap Creamy Powder    -  Japanese Coffee Creamer
Last Climax            -  Japanese tissues
Ass Glue               -  Chinese glues
Swine                  -  Chinese chocolates
Libido                 -  Chinese soda
Pocari Sweat           -  Japanese sport drink
Ban Cock               -  Indian cockroach repellent
Shocking               -  Japanese chewing gum
Homo sausage           -  East Asian fish sausage
Cat Wetty              -  Japanese moistened hand towels
Hornyphon              -  Austrian video recorder
Shitto                 -  Ghanian pepper sauce
Pipi                   -  Yugoslavian orangeade
Crundy                 -  Japanese gourmet candy
Superglans             -  Netherlands car wax
I'm Dripper            -  Japanese instant coffee
Zit                    -  Greek soft drink
My Fanny               -  Japanese toilet paper
Colon Plus             -  Spanish detergent

How I came to be who I am
 

"Your name?"
"Dinesh."
"How do you spell it?"
"D-I-N...."
"Slow, slow, T?"
"No, D."
"Is that T as in Tom, or D as in Dennis?" "No, not Dennis, my name is Dinesh."
"I know that. I am asking you, is that a T as in Tom, or D as in ... as in Detroit?"
"I don't know who Tom is, and I haven't been to Detroit. I just came from Madras."
"OK, OK, I know that. Is that T-I- or D-I- ?" "D. D-I-. D-I-N-E-S-H."
"Is that your last name or first name?"
"Uh? Dinesh is my name."
"OK. What is your LAst name?"
"That is my first and last name. Dinesh." "Then, is your name Dinesh Dinesh?"
"No. My name is Dinesh."
"But what is your LAST NAME? I am ASKING YOU ABOUT YOUR LAST NAME."
"I told you, Dinesh. I always had the same name, from birth till now. DINESH. That's my name."
"OK, what is your family name?"
"Family? Family name? My family doesn't have a name." "What do the neighbors call you?"
"Dinesh."
"Not you. Your whole family. What do they call your family?" "Beedida bhat'rr."
"So, that is your family name. Do you understand? How do you spell that?"
"Spell what?"
"B.D. whatever you said, what your neighbors call your family." "Oh, that ...
Beedida bhat'rr.
What do you need that for? It only means 'the brahmin who makes beedis.'" "What are B-Ds?"
"Not B-D. Beedi, is like a cigarette, you see, they roll the tobacco in a leaf and tie a thread around it. 25 in a kattu."
"25 in a what?"
"Kattu, or katta, whatever. Like a bunch, you see. If there is even one less or one more, my father could always tell without counting.
He then taught me how to do it."
"I am not worried about your 'cutter' or whatever. What-is-your-last-name?"
"I told you, Dinesh."
"OK, OK, I don't want to go over this again. What is common to the names of all the members of your family?"
"They are all in Sanskrit. My first sister is Suneetha, the second sister is Sumathi ... "
"Not about the language. When you write your name, and your sister writes her name, what do you two have in common?"
"We have the same handwriting. Even my father can't tell our handwritings apart."
"Blast it! What is your father's name?"
"G.K.Nettar."
"What does G.K. stand for?"
"His name, Gopala Krishna."
"Then what is Nettar?"
"That is our house name."
"House name? Aha, does every one at your house have this name?"
"It is not our name. It is the name of our house. Strictly speaking, it should be Honnadka. But my father was too lazy to change it.
My father was born in Honnadka, but, see, my grandfather was born in Nettar." "What was his name?"
"I told you, G.K.Nettar."
"Your grandfather was also called G.K. whatever?"
"No. That is my father."
"Then what is your grandfather's name?"
"Govinda Bhat. See, my relatives still call me Mangalore Govinda. Because it is a tradition to name the first son after his grandfather.
All the brothers of my father have done this. So, we have Honnadka Govinda,
Jogibettu Govinda, Kanchodu Govinda, and I am Mangalore Govinda."
"So, then, your name is Mangalore Govinda, not Dinesh."
"No. My name is Dinesh. Mangalore Govinda is how my relatives call me. That is not my Name."
"What do they call your sister?"
"Ammanni."
"What? You said her name is Sooneetha."
"Yes, that is her name, Suneetha, but we call her Ammanni."
"Is that her nick-name?"
"No. she doesn't have a nick name. Only our neighbor's daughter has a nick name. She is called 'soote'. She is very active. That's why."
"What about your brother?"
"I have no brothers. But then, you can count all those Govindas as my brothers too. See, they are really kind of my brothers."
"OK, what are their names?"
"The oldest one, he is my big brother. He is called GovindaNNa."
"Govind Anna?
Then Anna is his last name."
"No, ANNA, not anna. ANNA means big brother."
"What is his NAME?"
"His name is Govinda Bhat."
"Then your last name is But."
"Not but, Bhat, B-H-A-T. But that's not his name, you see."
"If that's not his name, what is it? Why does he have it in his name?"
"Bhat simply means he is a brahmin. He might as well write Rao, like his father does, or Sharma, like my father's second brother does."
"How does he write his name in official papers?"
"Nettar Govinda Bhat. That's how he writes it."
"How does his father write it?"
"Nettar Venkata Subba Rao."
Aha, I can see now. Your father is G.K.Nettar, his brother is Nettar something Rao... your last name is then Nettar. Aha, I got it."
"But Nettar is not the last name. It is the house name."
"I don't care. Tell me one last time, what is YOUR last name?"
"But I told you, my last name is the same as my first name, my only name, Dinesh."
"Then, I am going to write Nettar here. I don't care if it is your house name, your grandfather's name, your dog's name, whatever. It is
your last name. How do you spell it? N-E-..." "N-E-T-T-A-R."
"N-E-T-T-? Is that T as in Tom or D as in Dennis?" "My name is Dinesh, not Dennis."
"AARRGGHHHHH. Do we have to go through this again? Here, write it down."

"That's it. From now on, you are Dinesh Nettar, Dinesh is your first name, and Nettar is your last name. OK?"
"..." 

I still have trouble with this rather wooly notion of language. To take it to an interesting extreme, by Godel's 2nd Incompleteness Threorem, any language strong enough to do number theory in has unprovable theorems. Yet somehow we can prove this theorem. This suggests to me that we are not using a language when we think.

First, I'd like to say read the works of Norm Chomsky. His hypothesis is that it is language that is the BASIS of thought. I think he studied animals and children. I think his corollary is that animals that don't have language can't think like we do. And, children don't begin to think until they can communicate. Also read Hellen Keller's writings. Until she learned to communicate, she didn't really couldn't think much about what was around her.

Chomsky is on my list of things to get around to one day. Sometime after I fix the roof on the garage...Helen Keller is an interesting data point, though, but she did in fact think, just not very effectively.

The question I always have is the chicken-and-the-egg thing: which comes first, language or thought. Does thinking allow us to create language? Dogs have a rudimentary language, or sorts, which involves body language, rough sounds, smells and other clues. Do dogs think to the limit of their language? Or, does their thinking limitations limit their language abilities?

If Chomsky is right, then we MUST use language when we think. If he is wrong, then language is merely a by-product. (Also, if he is right, then what does that mean for A.I.?)

I think that he is probably partially right and that language is a significant part of how we think, but I don't believe it is the whole story. As for the implications for AI (decloaking!), I recommend Roger Penrose's books "The Emperor's New Mind" and "Shadows of the Mind". He makes an interesting case for a more complex view of cognition. Even if you don't agree with him, I think that it is refreshing to have a viewpoint that suggests that we don't yet know it all and proposes avenues of future research.

 

Sign in Japanese public bath: Foreign guests are requested not to pull cock in tub.

Second-hand shop window ad: Used ladies and boys

Sign in a men's restroom in Japan: To stop leak turn cock to the right.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regs (in English): Guests are requested not to smoke and do other disgusting behaviors in bed (I stayed in this hotel).

Slogan seen on a young girl's sweatshirt: Why Don't You Grab a Big One (Seen by my visiting father)

Popular Japanese soft drinks: SWEAT and CALPIS