Knotty Business

The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off:
* A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments: See! That was more than 5 times a month!

* The second bull is to be sold: Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.
Again the wife bugs her husband: Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that? Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison..

* The third bull is up for sale: And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells: That's once a day, every day of the year!  How about YOU?
 
The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back: Sure, once a day! But ask the announcer if they were all with the same cow!!

1)Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence. (a life sentence!!!)
2)Marriage is very much like a violin after the sweet music is over, the string are attached.
3)Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
4)Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the women gets her Master.
5)Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
6)Marriage certificate is just another name for a work permit.
7)Marriage is not just having a wife but also worries inherited forever.
8)Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS"
-The Engagement Ring
-The Wedding Ring
-The Suffe-Ring
-The Endu-Ring
9)Marriage life is full of excitement and frustration:
-in the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
-in the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
-in the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen.
10)It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
11)Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends.... You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
12)It's true all men are born free and equal - but some of them get married
13)There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
14)A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking the husband gives and the wife takes.
15)Son :How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father:I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it.
Son :Is it true, Dad, that I heard that in ancient China,
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries?
Father:That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE.
16)There was a man who said "I never knew what happiness was until I got married... and then it was too late!"
17)Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
18)They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love after marriage it is self defence.
19)When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
20)There was this lover who told his love that he would go through hell for her. They got married - and now he is going through HELL! 

               GREAT QUOTES OF MEN, WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS
                        (A few are slightly risque, but very funny and true)

When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky.
A woman already knows.
       -- Frederick Ryder

Men get laid, but women get screwed.
       -- Quentin Crisp (English writer)

Women need a reason to have sex -- men just need a place.
       -- Billy Crystal.

I love the lines the men use to get us into bed.  "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute."  What am I, a microwave?
       -- Beverly Mickins (American comedienne)

Do you know why the Lord withheld the sense of humor from women?
So that we may love you instead of laugh at you.
       -- Mrs. Patrick Campbell (English actress)

A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times.
       -- Sanskrit proverb

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know.
Women do.  Women want to learn.
Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
       -- Jerry Seinfeld

March isn't the only thing that's in like a lion, out like a lamb.
       -- Anonymous

Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last.
       -- Remy de Gourmant (French writer)

A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks;
a woman loses hers after four kisses.
       -- H.L. Mencken (American writer, 1888-1956)

When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence.
When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.
       -- Warren Farrell (American Psychologist)

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
       -- Lyndon B. Johnson

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
       -- Carrie Snow

The Lord made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
       -- Anonymous

25 Snappy Comebacks to the age old question "Why aren't you married yet?"

1.  You haven't asked yet.
2.  I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
3.  What?  And spoil my great sex life?
4.  Nobody would believe me in white.
5.  Because I just love hearing this question.
6.  Just lucky, I guess.
7.  It gives my mother something to live for.
8.  My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.
9.  I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
10. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
11. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
12. It didn't seem worth a blood test.
13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
14. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
15. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
16. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
18. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
20. What?  And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
21. We really want to, but my lover's spouse just won't go for it.
22. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
23. Why aren't you thin?
24. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
25. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to  bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

For a lot of people, marriage is a three-ring circus.  You have the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

Marriage is grand and divorce is about 10 grand.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, You know, I was a fool when I married you.  And the husband replied, Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it.
 
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure  of one thing:  either the car is new or the wife is.....
 
BARTENDER:  I think you've had enough sir.
DRUNK:      I just lost my wife, buddy
BARTENDER:  Well, it must be hard losing a wife...
DRUNK:      It was almost impossible

This guy goes to a party without his wife.  He hears this other guy say to his wife pass the sugar, Honey.  and pass the honey, Sugar. Inspired by this, the next morning at breakfast with his wife, he says to his wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig".
 
A man rushed home from work and exclaimed to his wife, Pack your bags, I've won the lottery.  The wife excitedly asks, Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?  He says, Pack'em all, your leaving....

A couple came upon a wishing well.  The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.  The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.  The husband was stunned for awhile but then smiled and said, It really works.
 
Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her sleep.

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor" Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."
"MY dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what problem is?"
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up."

At the pearly gates outside Heaven, St. Paul (or Peter) asked this guy "have you been a good husband?".
The first guy said "I haven't even thought about cheating on my wife."
St. Paul says "You may enter and when you get through, there'll be a Cadilac waiting for you." The guy goes through.

A second guy approaches, and is asked the same thing.
He replies with "Well, I only had a one affair".
St. Paul says "Well, we'll let you through, and there's a Ford waiting for you." He goes through.

A third guy approaches and again is asked the same thing. He responds "Well, I really was a terrible husband, I was always cheating on my wife."
St. Paul says "Well go through, and there's a bicycle waiting for you. So he goes through. When he gets through, he gets his bike and starts riding down the road.

After awhile, he sees the first guy crying by the side of road.
So he goes up to the guy and says "what's wrong. I mean you have this nice Caddy and everything. What's the matter?"
The first guy says "Well, I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard."

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new "action".

She let him go as far as he wished naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one helluva time!"

WIFESPEAK ENGLISH EQUIVALENT
---------        ------------------

You want. You want.
We need. I want.
It's your decision. The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want. You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk. I need to complain.
Sure...go ahead. I don't want you to.
I'm not upset. Of course I'm upset, you moron.
You're...so manly. You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight. Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! I'm on my period.
Be romantic, turn out the lights. I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient. I want a new house.
I want new curtains. and carpeting, and furniture...
I need wedding shoes. the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
Hang the picture there. No, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise. I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute. Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? [Too late, your dead.]
No No
Maybe No
Yes No
I'm sorry. You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
I'M NOT YELLING! Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

In answer to "What's Wrong?"

The same old thing. Nothing.
Nothing. Everything.
Everything. My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really. It's just that you're an asshole.
I don't want to talk about it. Go away, I'm still building up steam

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married and then it was too late.

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take the husband gives and the wife takes.

When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a tenyear married man looks happy - we wonder why.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds : "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".

They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch witth a turban on his head.

The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.

The wife asked "Are you a genie?"

"Oh, why yes i am. In fact, I am so grateful i will grant you two wishes, and the third i will keep for myself." the man replied.

The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.

The genie nodded his head and said "Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish, i would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, i made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."

The husband and wife agreed.

After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife "How long have you been married?"

To which she responded "Three years."

The genie then asked "How old is your husband?"

To which she replied "31 years old"

The genie then asked "And how long has he believed in this genie stuff?"

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children.Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine.I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if--"

The wife gently interrupts him."Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."

The man then dies, happy.

The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

LIFESAVERS

A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine.

"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."

Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"

A young couple just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was big, burly, and a bruiser, tossed his pants to his bride and said... "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right," said the husband, "and don't you forget it! I am the man who wears the pants in this family!"

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "try these on."

He tried them on and found that he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"

She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!"

Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love.

The first woman said, "My husband is a marriage counselor, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that."

The second woman proclaimed, "My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, I like that."

The third woman replied, "Well my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good it's going to be when I get it."

A sailor comes home after being at sea for six months. He and his wife immediately head upstairs and start making love.
A window was open, and a strong wind slams a door shut somewhere in the house.
The sailor says, "Uh oh! That must be your husband coming home!"
The wife replies, "No, he's off at sea for six months."

At a silver wedding anniversary the husband was standing in one corner looking very sad.
"What's the matter?" asked his friend.
"Well, a week after marriage, I got fed up and wanted to kill my wife, but my lawyer said that I would get 25 years. Now I realise that today I would have been a free man." 

A couple were in bed after celebrating their golden anniversary. The wife said, "Darling, embrace me the way you used to when we first got married."
He did. "Now kiss me the way you used to...... Now darling bite me the way you used to....."
At this point the husband got out of bed and the wife said, "Where are you going, dear?"
"To get my teeth," the husband replied. 

During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband : Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"
The hubby replied : "Yes, honey, that was the hapiiest hour of my life." 

When a bachelor marries, his wife has three qualities - she is an economist in the kitchen, an aristocrat in the living room and a devil in bed.
After a few years, sure enough the three qualities remain, but not in the same order - she is an aristocrat in the kitchen, a devil in the living room and an economist in bed. 

Adam and the Eve were the happiest and the luckiest couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law. 

The best definition of mixed feeling is, when your mother-in-law borrows your new Rolls-Royce and she drives it off the cliff. 

If you want a perfect stereo for your car then let your wife sit in the front and your mother-in-law in the back. 

Two friends met. "You look sad, Fred, what's the trouble?" asked the first friend.
"Domestic trouble."
"But you always bragged that your wife is a pearl." "She still is. It's the mother-of-pearl that makes all the trouble.' 

Joke #1 -
Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.
Married guys go to bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator. "
Joke #2 -
How do you make five pounds of fat look pretty?
Put a nipple on the end.
Joke #3 -
A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.
She says, "Look, it's shivering...it must be cold. What should I do?"
He says, "Put it between your legs."
She says, "What about the smell?"
He says, "Hold its nose."
Joke #4 -
Norris walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I've got a constant erection. At first it was fun, but then it became painful and embarrassing."
While the doctor's examining him, a bug jumps off his dick and his boner goes right down.
Norris says, "Gee, Doc, that's great. How much do I owe you?" The doctor says,
"If I can find that bug, you don't owe me anything."
Joke #5 -
Harry and his wife are having hard times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy.
Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner." She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"
She says, "A hundred dollars." He says "Shit. All I've got is thirty."
She says, "Hold on." She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?" Harry says, "A handjob".
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.
He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a huge cock. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."
She runs back around the corner and says, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"
Joke #6 -
There's a drunk at one end of a bar, and a woman in a tight low-cut black dress at the other end of the bar.
The woman has her hand raised, waving for the bartender, and she has an incredibly hairy armpit.
The drunk yells out, "Give me a drink, and give a drink to that ballerina down there."
The bartender says, "How do you know she's a ballerina?"
The drunk says, "Who else could get her leg up that high?"

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." 

What Women think about Men
 

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women

What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

How do you get a man to exercise?
Tie the TV remote control to his shoelaces.

What's the difference between a typical man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

Why are dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can understand them. 

SHE DRIVES FOR A RELATIONSHIP. HE'S LOST IN THE TRANSMISSION

By DAVE BARRY

CONTRARY to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a long-term, stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy. Of course
this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With human guys, it's extremely difficult. This is because guys don't really grasp what women mean by the term relationship.

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later
he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of
tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said
that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or
isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have
time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to
keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . . February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

COMMUNICATIONS GAP

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too.
God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their . . .

''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.

''What?'' says Roger, startled.

''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . . Oh God, I feel so . . . ''
(She breaks down, sobbing.)

''What?'' says Roger.

''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''

''There's no horse?'' says Roger.

''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.

''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

''Yes,'' he says.

A BEFUDDLED BEAU

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.

''What way?'' says Roger.

''That way about time,'' says Elaine.

''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.

''Thank you,'' says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

IT'S ANALYSIS TIME

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?''

We're not talking about different wavelengths here. We're talking about different planets, in completely different solar systems. Elaine cannot communicate meaningfully with Roger about their relationship any more than she can meaningfully play chess with a duck. Because the sum total of Roger's thinking on this particular topic is as follows: Huh?

But the point I'm trying to make is that, if you're a woman, and you want to have a successful relationship with a guy, the No. 1 tip to remember is: Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

The guy will not realize this on his own. You have to plant the idea in his brain by constantly making subtle references to it in your everyday conversation, such as:
"Roger, would you mind passing me a Sweet 'n' Low, inasmuch as we have a relationship?''
''Wake up, Roger! There's a prowler in the den and we have a relationship! You and I do, I mean.''
''Good News, Roger! The gynecologist says we're going to have our fourth child, which will serve as yet another indication that we have a relationship!''
''Roger, inasmuch as this plane is crashing and we probably have only about a minute to live, I want you to know that we've had a wonderful 53 years of marriage together, which clearly constitutes a relationship.''

Never let up, women. Pound away relentlessly at this concept, and eventually it will start to penetrate the guy's brain. Some day he might even start thinking about it on his own. He'll be talking with some other guys about women, and, out of the blue, he'll say, ''Elaine and I, we have, ummm . . . We have, ahhh . . . We . . . We have this thing.''

And he will sincerely mean it.

The next relationship-enhancement tip is:

2. Do not expect the guy to make a hasty commitment.

By ''hasty,'' I mean, ''within your lifetime.'' Guys are extremely reluctant to make commitments. This is because they never feel ready.

''I'm sorry,'' guys are always telling women, ''but I'm just not ready to make a commitment.'' Guys are in a permanent state of nonreadiness. If guys were turkey breasts, you could put them in a 350-degree oven on July Fourth, and they still wouldn't be done in time for Thanksgiving.

A man goes to the priest and says, "Father, my wife and I committed an awful sin! I don't know if we can possibly be forgiven! It was just awful!"
The priest says, "My son, sometimes these things are not as bad as they seem. Just tell me all about it".

"Well"' said the man, "my wife and I agreed to give up sex for Lent. Everything went well until just before Lent was over.
My wife slipped and fell on the floor, and when I saw her lying on her back looking up at me something irresistable came over me,
and right there, on the floor, I took her! Oh, it was awful, awful! Can we possibly ever be forgiven?"

The priest replied, "You are a healthy, virile man. This is probably the first time you have ever tried to abstain.
It's too bad you broke your vow, but go home and say a few Hail Marys and it will be alright, believe me."

Astonished, the man replied, "You mean you're not going to kick us out of the Church?"
"Kick you out of the Church? Of course not! Whatever put such an idea into your head?"
"Well," said the man, "they kicked us out of Safeway!" 

A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, he stopped her with these words. "Before you leave, I want you to know how this all came about. Driving down the highway I saw this young girl looking tired and bedraggled, so I stopped, and brought her home. Then I made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in the refridgerator. She had some old worn out sandals on her feet so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they'd gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the colour didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but too small for you now. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'"

The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?" 5 - "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and
what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which
was most likely one of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those
guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear. Wrong
answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes. c - That depends on what you
mean by "love". d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?

3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave
the room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either. b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you. d - I've seen fatter. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be
an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include: a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way. b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things. c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality. d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event
of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?" "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?" "Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of course not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear"
he said. "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" "Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry." "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband. "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause. "Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband. "I see," said the wife indignantly." And would you let her wear my old clothes?" "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband. "Really," said the wife icily.
"And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of
her?" "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do." "Is that so?" said
the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf
clubs, too." "Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed." 

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. (For joke purposes, let's ignore what he might do while on his trip :-) ) So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll but that was too close to another man for him.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.

So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!" 

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.
"I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."
Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile."
"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy." 

Its 4 a.m. and Elizabeth Taylor and her latest husband are in bed sleeping. He awakens her and she asks, "What is it?"
"I have to go to the bathroom," he replies.
"Well, so what?" she asks.
"Save my place will you?" he answers. 

A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband.
"I know you've been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?"
The husband replied, "Look, I don't want to upset you, there were many. Let's just leave it alone."
The wife continued to beg and plead. Finally, the husband gave in.
"Let's see." he said "There was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine..." 

A man comes home and finds his best friend in bed with his wife!
"Irving!" he yells, "you, of all people in bed with my wife...I HAVE TO, but YOU?" 

Nearing his wedding night, the slow-witted virgin groom approaches his father for help.
"Dad, what am I to do. Soon my wife and I have to go to bed but I don't know what to do!"

The father replies, "Don't worry son. Do you see what our dogs do? Just do what they do and you'll be okay."
Early next morning, the new bride wakes up her father-in-law, crying, "I'm going to divorce your son! He is CRAZY!"

"Why? What happened?" asks the father.

"All night he does nothing but sniff my ass and pee on the bedpost!!" 

A couple was checking out of the hotel after their honeymoon. When the bill was presented an arguement occured.

"What is this item, 200 dollars for meal?" inquired the groom.
"We have never eaten in your dining room. All I had was beer in the suite, with eggs that I brought with me."
"Yes, sir." replied by the manager, "but the wedding package included meals and the food was there for you. If
you didn't take them, it's not our fault."
"In that case," retorted by the groom,"we are even, completely even. Because you owe me 200 dollars for making love to my wife!!!"
"But, I never touched your wife!" protested the manager.
"Well, she was there for you," said the groom."If you didn't use her, it's not my fault!!"

It's the wedding night of a virgin couple. After adjourning to the hotel room the man removes his pants and tosses them at his new bride. "Put those on" he says to his young wife. To which she pulls the jeans about halfway up her torso with room to spare. She looks at him and says "I can't wear the pants". "And thats how it's going to be in this marriage, and don't you forget it" he states quite emphatically. To this, she removes her panties and tosses them to her groom. "Put those on" she says. He proceeds to get the panties only about half to his knees and says "I can't get into your panties!". "And that's how it's going to be in this marriage until you change your damn mind!" 

A virgin bride was advised by her mother to give her new husband a dozen of oysters to give him strength before they went to bed on their wedding night.
On their return, the mother asked how he had shaped up,
"Well", said the daughter, "I gave him the olysters like you said, but only the first nine worked!"

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.  One day,their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.  Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight PM.  As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them  through the grass and dirt.  Mystified, she nonetheless complied.

He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you.  I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon.  I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf !"