All in a days Work

*"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

*"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."

*"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

* "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."

* "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

* "I am a rabid typist."

*"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."

* "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."

* "Proven ability to track down and correct erors."

* "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."

*"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."

*"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."

*"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

* "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."

* "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteroology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

* "I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant."

* "I am loyal to my employer at all costs ..Please feel free to resond to my resume on my office voicemanil."

* "Qualifications: No education or experience."

* "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

* "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

* "Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

* Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"

hundreds of new and interesting positions to try.

The doctor asked the guy mopping "why the other guy was hanging from the ceiling?"
The guy mopping told him "that's because he thinks he's a light bulb".

Minutes later, the doctor returns w/some help to take the guy down from the ceiling & put him into a room. the guy that was mopping diligently follows them.

When the doctor notices this he asks "why are you following us?".
Then the guy that was mopping replies "you don't expect me to mop in the dark, do you?!".

"That's correct", responded the prof, going on to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class...  and never returned.

However, as she was going out the door, the Prof's reply was classic ...

Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

Interviewer: Why is a thicker conductor necessary to carry a current in A.C. as compared to D.C. ?

Candidate: An AC current goes up and down (drawing a sinusoid) and requires more space inside the wire, so the wire has to be thicker.

Interviewer: How will you tell if that wall outlet carries AC or DC ?

Candidate: I will put my finger in. If it is pushed away, it is DC. If it gets stuck, it was AC.

Interviewer: How will you reverse direction of an induction motor?

Candidate: I will remove the four bolts at the base, turn the motor around, and put back the bolts.

Interviewer: How do you start a synchronous motor?

Candidate: Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in rising pitch) Interviewer: Stop! Stop!

Candidate: rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in falling pitch)

Interviewer: How do you limit surge current within an integrated circuit?

Candidate: By using a miniature circuit breaker.

External (to student) : " Why does a capacitor block DC but allow AC to pass through ?

student: See, a capacitor is like this ---| |--- , OK. DC Comes straight, like this ----------, and the capacitor stops it. But AC,goes UP, DOWN, Up DOWN and jumps right over the capacitor!"
Examiner : "What is a step-up transformer?"
Student : "A transformer that is put on top of electric poles."
Examiner (smiling): "And then what is a step-down transformer?"
Student (hesitantly): "Uh - A transfomer that is put in the basement or in a pit?"
Examiner (pouncing): "Then what do you call a transformer that is installed on the ground?"
(student knows he is caught -- can't answer)
Examiner (impatiently): "Well?"
Student (triumphantly): "A stepless transformer, sir!" 

Big Company problems
 

From: Headquarters - New York
To: General Managers

Next Thursday at 10:30 Halley's Comet will appear over this area. This is an event which occurs only once every 75 years.
Notify all directors and have them arrange for all employees to assemble on the Company lawn and inform them of the occurrence of this phenomenon.
If it rains, cancel the day's observation and assemble in the auditorium to see a film about the comet.

MEMORANDUM

From: General Manager
To: Managers

By order of the Executive Vice President, next Thursday at 10:30, Halley's Comet will appear over the Company lawn.
If it rains, cancel the day's work and report to the auditorium with all employees where we will show films: a phenomenal event which occurs every 75 years.

MEMORANDUM

From: Manager
To: All Department Chiefs

By order of the phenomenal Vice President, at 10:30 next Thursday, Halley's Comet will appear in the auditorium.
In case of rain over the Company lawn, the Executive Vice President will give another order, something which occurs only every 75 years.

MEMORANDUM

From: Department Chief
To: Section Chiefs

Next Thursday at 10:30 the Executive Vice President will appear in the auditorium with Halley's Comet, something which occurs every 75 years.
If it rains, the Executive Vice President will cancel the comet and order us all out to our phenomenal Company lawn.

MEMORANDUM

From: Section Chief
To: All EA's

When it rains next Thursday at 10:30 over the Company lawn, the phenomenal 75 year old Executive Vice President will cancel all work and appear before all employees in the auditorium accompanied by Bill Halley and his Comets.
 

The manager

The brain said, "Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the manager".
The feet said, "Since I carry man wherever he wants to go and get man in position to do what the brain wants him to do, I should be the manager".
The hands said, "Since I do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be the manager". The eyes said, "Since I must look out for all of you and tell you where danger lurks, etc., I should be the manager". And so it went on - the heart, the lungs, the ears, etc., and finally the asshole spoke up and demanded that it should be the manager. All the other parts laughed and laughed at the very idea of asshole being manager.
Asshole was so angered that he blocked himself off and refused to function.
Soon the brain was feverish, the feet were too weak to walk and the hands hung simply at the sides. The lungs and heart struggled to keep going. All pleaded with the brain to relent and let the asshole be the manager, and so it happened.
All the body parts did all the work and the asshole just supervised and passed out a load of shit.
The moral of this story is:
"You don't have to be a brain to be a manager - just be an asshole!" --

An elderly lady walked into a branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank building holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she would like to meet the President of Chase Manhattan Bank. Due to the amount of money involved, the teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to right around $3 million, telephoned the President"s secretary to obtain an appointment for the woman. The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level.

The bank president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked.
"No," she answered.
"Was it from playing the stock market?" he inquired.
"No," she replied. He was quiet for a second, trying to think of where this elderly woman could possibly have come up with $3 million dollars.
"I bet," she stated.
"As in horses?" he asked.
"No," she replied. "I bet people."
Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning
your balls will be square."

The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her on her bet. He didn't know how he could lose. For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances as there was $25,000 at stake. When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be his lucky day how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?

At 10:00 o'clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked what the other man was doing in the office, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was that much money involved. "Well," she asked, "what about our bet?"

"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as I've always been, only $25,000 richer!"

The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see herself. The bank president thought this was a reasonable request considering the amount of money involved and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square.

The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer, standing across the room banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he inquired.

"Oh, him," she answered. I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 o'clock this morning I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."

"DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK "

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

An Economic Fairy Tail Once upon a time an American aerospace company and an Asian rice cooperative decided to have a competitive boat race.
Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance and on the big day both felt they were as ready as they could ever be.
The rice farmers won by a mile.

Afterwards, the American team, discouraged by the loss, had to combat sagging morale so corporate management decided the reason for the humiliating defeat had to be found. A continuing "measurable improvement" team was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.

They concluded the problem was: The Asians had eight people rowing and one steering.
The American team had one person rowing and eight steering. The American team promptly hired a consulting firm to do a study and find a solution.

After some months and millions of dollars the consulting firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough rowing.
To prevent a future loss, the team's management structure was revised to four steering managers, three area managers, and one staff steering manager.
An incentive program was initiated to improve the rower's performance.
"In order to get him to work harder we must give him empowerment and enrichment" said the corporate managers.

The next race, the American team lost by two miles.
Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all paddles, and cancelled all capital investment for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, gave a high performance award to the consulting firm and distributed the money saved as bonuses to senior executives.

SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.)
 

SUBJECT:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager.
You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T).
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T).
Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job, training others. We can add you name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T).
Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T will get the S.H.I.T jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF EXTRA EMPLOYEE PROGRAMMING (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.) 

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines , surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son.

I brought my selection  -  a baseball bat - to  the cash register.
"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.

"Cash,"  I snapped.  Then apologizing for my rudeness , I explained , "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle  bureau."

"Shall I giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"

NAME:  Greg B

DESIRED POSITION:  Reclining.  Ha ha.  But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:  $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.  If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:  Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:  Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY:  Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:  It was lousy.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:  Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:  1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:   Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:  I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?:   Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:  Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since
sliced bread.  Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:  No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE:   Scorpio with Libra rising.