"No charge, Father," the barber said. "I consider it a service to the Lord."
When the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with a thank you note from the priest.
A few days later a police officer came in.
"How much do I owe you?" the cop asked after his haircut.
"No charge, officer," the barber answered.
"I consider it a service to my community."
The next morning the barber found
a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police
officer.
A few days after that, a Senator walked in
for a haircut. "How much do I owe you?" he asked afterward.
"No charge," the barber replied. "I consider
it a service to my country."
The next morning when he arrived at the
shop, the barber found a dozen Senators waiting on the stoop.
Abe Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846
JFK was elected to Congress in 1946
JFK was elected President in 1960
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters Both were particularly concerned with civil rights Both their wives lost their children while living in the House
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday
Both were shot in the head
Both were in the presence of their wives
The Secretary of each President warned them not to go to the theatre and
Dallas, respectively
Lincoln's Secretary was named Kennedy
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln
Both were assassinated by Southerners
Both were succeeded by Southerners
Both successors were named Johnson
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808 Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839 Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939
Both assassins were known by their three names Both names have 15 letters
Booth ran from the theatre and was captured in a warehouse Oswald ran from the warehouse and was captured in a theatre
To cap it all off, Booth and Oswald were assassinated before trial
Mystery or statistical coincidence?
As they were driving away, Bill turned to Hillary and asked "Honey, who was that?"
"That was Charley, an old boyfriend of mine," she responded."We dated for a long time, and almost got married."
"Oh." said Bill."Well I guess you're glad you married me instead."
"Why do you say that?" asked Hillary.
"Because he's only a gas station attendant, and I'm the President of the United States." exclaimed Bill.
"I don't see how that has anything to do with anything." said Hillary.
"If I had married Charley, he would be the President."
He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold a real Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope...not these days...I'm only giving out 1 wish because of inflation. So...what'll be?"
Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed,
"Gadzooks, man! These countries have been at war for thousands of years.
I'm good but I'm not THAT good. I don't
think it can be done. So make another wish."
Bill thought for a minute and said, "You
know, people really don't like my wife. They think she's a real bitch and
ugly as sin.
I wish for her to be the most beautiful
woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want."
The Genie thought for a minute and said, "Hhhmmm. Lemme see that map again."
He found three such ladies in a local lounge: a blonde, a brunette and a red head.
To the blonde he said, "I am President of
the U.S., how much would it cost to
spend some time with you?" She replied,
"$200".
To the brunette, he made a similar proposition. Her answer was "$100".
He made the same offer to the red head. Her
response was, "
Mr. President, if you can raise my skirt
as high as my taxes, get my panties as low as my wages,
get that thing of yours as hard as the times,
keep it as high as the gas prices, keep me warmer than my apartment,
and screw me the way you do the public,
believe me Mr. President, it won't cost you a damn cent".
President Boris Yeltsin called Chretien (Canadian
PM)with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded!"
the Russian President cried.
"My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"
"Boris, the Canadian people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the Prime Minister.
"I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Chretien.
Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Yeltsin.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter ?" said Yeltsin.
"No problem," replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Chretien hung up and called the President of Trojan.
"I need a favour, you've got to make 1 ,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the Prime Minister, "print 'MADE IN CANADA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."
acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.
"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone".
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.
In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence". Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.
Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished.
"Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing". When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place". Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products.
About Microsoft
------------------
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT")
is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers, and democratic
government. The company offers a
wide range of products and services for
public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making
it easier and more enjoyable for people to
take advantage of the full power of personal
computing and free society every day.
About the United States
---------------------------
Founded in 1789, the United States of America
is the most successful nation in the history of the world, and has been
a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered
in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of
Microsoft Corporation.