1 - Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2 - You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3 - There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4 - Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5 - Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6 - Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
7 - The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8 - The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9 - Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10 - Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
11 - Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12 - Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13 - Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14 - I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15 - Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16 - All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
17 - If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
18 - One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
19 - By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
20 - Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
21 - The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
22 - There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
23 - This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
24 - Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.
25 - The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a 'do it yourself' thing.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.
"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
"Tell me, Sir, how did you become so successful?"
"Two words."
"And what are they, Sir?"
"Right decisions."
"How do you make right decisions?"
"One word...Experience."
"And how do you get experience?"
"Two words."
"And what are they?"
"Wrong decisions!"
"This is Captain Johnson speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.
If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.
If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message.
If you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
If you enjoy pain.
If you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
If you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
If you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
If when you look in a mirror, you see a engineering major.
If it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
If you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."
If you always do homework on Friday nights.
If you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
If you think in "math."
If you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
If you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.
If you have a pet named after a scientist.
If you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
If the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.
If you can translate English into Binary.
If you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit."
If you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.
If you are completely addicted to caffeine.
If you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
If you consider ANY non-science course "easy."
If when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have
accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
If the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
If you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
If you understood more than five of these indicators.
If you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.
On top of this, it has 2 dependents and they are both nuts.
Beginning Jan. 1, 1996 your pecker will be taxed regarding its size, using the pecker-checker scale below to determine your category. Please insert this information on pg. 2, section 7, line 3 on your standard 1040 form.
10-12 inches Luxury tax $50.00
8-10 inches Pole tax $25.00
6-8 inches Privilege tax $15.00
4-6 inches Nuisance tax $5.00 -
Please note that anyone under 4 inches is
eligible for a refund.
Please do not request an extension. Males
exceeding 12 inches should file a long form under Capital Gains.
Sincerely,
Ivana Cuturpeckeroff
U.S. Tax Agent
There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand an foot. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.
The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.
One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention. She rowed her boat towards him.
In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"?
She said, "I rowed from the other side of
the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank". "Amazing",
he said, "I didn't know anyone else had
survived. How many of you are there? Where,
did you get the rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat
wash-up with you?"
"It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did."
"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?" I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, replied the woman. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree".
"But, but, asked the man, what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?"
"Oh, no problem, replied the woman, on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed.
I found that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that, she said. Where do you live?"
At last the man was forced to confess that
he had been sleeping on the beach.
"Well, let's row over to my place, she said."
So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.
The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
"It's not much, she said, but I call it home.
Sit down would you like to have a drink?" "No, said the man, one more coconut
juice and I will
puke."
"It won't be coconut juice, the woman replied, I have a still, how about a Pina Colada? Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship".
"Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath room. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs..
"You look great, said the woman, I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did.
And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.
"Tell me, she asked, we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now."
"Yes there is, the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, "Tell me ... Do you happen to have an Internet connection?"
Here it goes.
(K)nowledge is (P)ower
(T)ime is (M)oney, and as every engineer
knows, (P)ower is (W)ork over (T)ime.
So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get:
K = P (1)
T = M (2)
P = W/T (3)
Now, do a few simple substitutions:
Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields: K = W/T (4)
Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields:
K = W/M (5).
Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get:
Knowledge equals Work over Money.
What this MEANS is that:
M = W/K (6)
Money equals Work Over Knowledge.
From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.
What THIS MEANS is:
The More you Make, the Less you Know.
Solving for Work, we get
W = M x K (7)
Work equals Money times Knowledge
From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.
What THIS MEANS is:
The stupid rich do little or no work.
Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader.
He knocks, a lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps horse shit all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that horse shit, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She says, "You want tomato sauce on that? We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.
Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?
George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!
(silence)
Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
"Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?"
The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.
"Well, that confirms it." the vet announced. "Your dog is dead."
Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?"
"That will be $330." the vet replied.
"I don't believe it!!!", screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost $330????"
"Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."
Why E-Mail is like a Male Reproductive Organ:
Some folks have it, some don't
Those who have it would be devastated if
it were ever cut off.
Those who have it think that those who don't
are somehow inferior.
Those who don't have it may agree that it's
neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about
it.
Many of those who don't have it would like
to try it. (e-mail envy)
It can be up or down. It's more fun when
it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
In the past, its only purpose was to transmit
information vital to the survival of the species. People still think that's
the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun
most of the time.
If you don't apply the appropriate measures,
it can spread viruses.
If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes
more and more difficult to think coherently.
We attach an importance to it that is far
greater than it's actual size and influence warrant.
If you're not careful what you do with it,
it can get you into a whole lot of trouble.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house
and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without
giving warning of its intention.
I thought my window was down, but I found
it was up when I put my head through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming
the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into
my wife's face.
The guy was all over the road. I had to
swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road,
glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into
a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and
was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring
my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for forty years when
I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on the way to the doctor with rear
end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly
appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was
unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in
front I struck a pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into
another vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck
my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured,
but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make
it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to
run as I ran over him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman
as he bounced off the roof of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a
little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the
road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was
attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens -- he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention -- so he's let go.
The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime he is set free too.
They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem..."
10. T-Shirt and Jeans Are Their Formal Dress.
9. Only Social Life Known Is Posting and
Talking on the Net
8. Flames Like a Monster, Speaks Like a
Pussy Cat
7. Works from 6:30am to 7:30pm Daily, No
Morning Kisses, and No Evening Walks
6. No Matter How Hard You Cry and How Loud
You Yell, Just Sits There Calmly Discussing Your Emotion in Terms of Mathematical
Logic
5. Listens to Everything from Bach to Prince,
Hates Classic Rock.
4. Hot Dog and a 6-Pack Is Their Seven Course
Meal
3. Talks in Acronyms
2. Can't Leave that Damn Pencil Off Ear
for One Minute
1. Will File for Divorce If You Call in
the Middle of Debugging their C code.
The British Governments policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the governments plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant during the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a "Proxy Father" a government employee who attempts to solve the woman's problem by getting her pregnant.
The Smiths, a young married couple have no
children and the government man is due to arrive.
Mr. Smith on leaving, says "I'm off, the
Government man should be here soon". INSTEAD, however a door-to-door photographer
who specialises in baby pictures rings the bell.
THE CONVERSATION WENT AS FOLLOWS:
Ms.Smith: Good morning.
Salesman: Good morning, you don't know me but I've come to...
Ms.Smith: Oh, you don't have to explain. My husband told me you were coming.
Salesman: Oh? Well good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins.
Ms.Smith: That's what my husband said. Please sit down.
Salesman: Then your husband probably told you that...
Ms.Smith: Oh yes, we both agreed this is the best thing to do.
Salesman: Well, in that case perhaps we should get right on with it.
Ms.Smith: (blushing) Well, just where do we start?
Salesman: Just leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple in the bed. Sometimes the living room floor works well.
Ms.Smith: Bathroom!!! Living room floor!!! No wonder it hasn't worked for us.
Salesman: Well lady, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try six or seven times one of 'em is bound to be a honey.
Ms.Smith: Pardon me, but isn't this a bit informal?
Salesman: No indeed, in my line a man can't do his work in a hurry.
Ms.Smith: Well have you had much success with this?
Salesman: (opening case and showing baby pictures) Just look at these babies! They're all jobs I've handled. This one took four hours.
Ms.Smith: Yes, this is a lovely child.
Salesman: But if you want to hear about a really tough assignment, look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London.
Ms.Smith: OH MY GOD!!!
Salesman: And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider that their mother was hard to work with.
Ms.Smith: Oh, she was?
Salesman: Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were all around four and five deep pushing to get a good look.
Ms.Smith: Four and five deep!!!
Salesman: Yes, and for more than three hours too. But I finally got a couple of buddies to keep them back. I could've shot again before dark, but by that time the squirrels were beginning to nibble on my equipment and I had to give up.
Ms.Smith: You mean they actually chewed on your ahhh - equipment?
Salesman: Yes, but it's all in a days work. I've spent three long years perfecting my technique. Take this baby. I shot this one in the front window of a big department store.
Ms.Smith: I can't believe it!
Salesman: Well, madam, if your ready, I'll get my tripod.
Ms.Smith: TRIPOD???!!!
Salesman: Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy to hold in my hand. Ms.Smith... Ms.Smith... Ms.Smith... Goodness, she fainted!!!
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist
are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of
the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going
into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming
out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
The Biologist: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly one person
enters the house then it will be empty again."
A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician were all in a hotel sleeping when a fire broke out in their respective rooms. The physicist woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, pulled out his CRC, and began working out all sorts of fluid dynamics equations. After a couple minutes, he threw down his pencil, got a graduated cylinder out of his suitcase, and measured out a precise amount of water. He threw it on the fire, extinguishing it, with not a drop wasted, and went back to sleep.
The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned on the faucets full-blast, flooding out the entire apartment, which put out the fire, and went back to sleep.
The mathematician woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, began working through theorems, lemmas, hypotheses , you-name-it, and after a few minutes, put down his pencil triumphantly and exclaimed, "I have *proven* that I *can* put the fire out!" He then went back to sleep.
When considering the behaviour of a howitzer:
A mathematician will be able to calculate
where the shell will land.
A physicist will be able to explain how
the shell gets there.
An engineer will stand there and try to
catch it.
Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to
be informed that his room is not yet ready.
"I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory.
We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share
the room with others." he is told by the doorman (say his name is Pete).
Einstein says that this is no problem at
all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So Pete leads
him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present
inhabitants.
"See, Here is your first room mate. He has
an IQ of 180!"
"Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We
can discuss literature!"
"And here is your second room mate. His
IQ is 150!"
"Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We
can discuss mathematics!"
"And here is your third room mate. His IQ
is 100!"
"That's Wonderful! We can discuss the latest
plays at the theater!"
Just then another man moves out to capture
Albert's hand and shake it. "I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but
my IQ is only 80."
Albert smiles back at him and says, "So,
where do you think interest rates are headed?"
There are four engineers travelling in a car a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer.
The car breaks down.
"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer.
"Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."
"I thought it might be an earthing problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."
They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: "Well, what do you think?"
"Ummm - perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"
EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students
COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.
OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.
POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.
SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does see a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will (1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.
HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.
A college professor had a reputation for
offending women in his anthropology classes, so a bunch of co-eds got together
and deceided to walk out the next time it happened.
The next week, while discussing an obscure
African tribe, the professor leered and said, "The men over there have
penises twelve inches long!"
As agreed, the co-eds rose and headed for the door.
"Oh, come on girls," snickered the professor, "the plane doesn't leave until Sunday."
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor,"
she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant
from anal intercourse?"
"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where
do you think lawyers come from?"
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
The student immediately writes, "One: It
has all the healthful nutrients needed to sustain a baby. Two: It is inside
the mother's body and therefore
protected from germs and infections."
But the student can't think of the third
answer. Finally, he writes, "Three:
It comes in such nice containers."
Both my wife and I are sterile. Is there any possibility that we will pass this on to our children?
Dear doctor,
My husband and I have two children and would
love to have another. But I read that every third child born is Chinese.
Being that we are of Italian descent, do
you think we should take that chance?
"Eighty-eight," she purred.
"Good. Now I'm going to put my hand on your
throat and I want you to again
say 'Eighty-eight.'"
"Eighhty...eighhhhtttt."
"Fine. Now I'm going to put my hand on your
chest and I want you one more
time to say 'Eighty-eight.'"
"One, two, three, four, five..."
The cowboy decided that he would repay these
kindnesses by entertaining the Basque, so he said, "Do you mind if I talk
to your horse over there?"
He asked the horse how it liked its work
and its master, and the horse "replied," "I have a good time out here,
and I enjoy serving my kind master."
The Basque was amazed: "That's the first
time I ever heard a horse talk, and to think it's MINE!"
Encouraged by this naivete, the ventriloquist
cowboy continued, "Do you mind if I have a word or two with your dog?"
"Go right ahead," said the Basque, eager
to see what the dog would say.
"Said" the dog in reply to the cowboy's question,
"Oh, he's a wonderful master. He always treats me well and keeps me fed.
I like being with him."
The Basque was just stop-in-your-tracks
stunned!
"Do you mind if I ask that sheep over there
a question or two?" asked the cowboy.
"Absolutely not!" screamed the Basque. "Everybody
knows that a sheep will lie!"
After making love, the woman said the man,
"So, you're a doctor?"
"That's right," replied the doctor smugly.
"Betcha don't know what kind of doctor."
"Ummm...I'd say that you're an anesthesiologist."
"Yep, that's right! Good guess! How did
you know?" asked the guy.
"Because throughout the entire procedure,
I didn't feel a thing."
The doctor answers, "Well, here's something
you can try on her to test her hearing.
Stand some distance away from her and ask
her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again.
Keep repeating this until she
answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really
is."
The man goes home and tries it out. He walks
in the door and says,
"Honey, what's
for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
"Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer.
He repeats this several times, until
he's standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"
"She has been having some strange symptoms
and I'm worried about her," the
mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you, dear?"
"No, mumsy," said the girl. "Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!"
The doctor looked from mother to daughter,
and back again. Then, silently
he
stood up and walked to the window, staring
out. He continued staring until the
mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is
there something wrong out there?"
"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just
that the last time anything like
this happened, a star appeared in the East
and I was looking to see if another
one was going to show up."
Not to be outdone, the second mortician says,
"You think that's bad? I had
this kid in who got hit by a train while
he was riding his bike. Took me TWO
days to put all the pieces back together!"
The third mortician just shook his head.
"You guys have it easy," he said.
"I had this female parachutist whose chute
didn't open. She landed on a flagpole
and it took me all week just to wipe the
smile off her face!"
She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose.
The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only
a minute or two until the funeral
is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly
take him out and get him changed in
that amount of time."
The lady said, "Who's paying for this?" Seeing
the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin
out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the
corpse was in a blue suit.
After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow
complimented the undertaker on the
smooth and speedy service. She especially
wanted to know how he'd been able to
get her husband into a blue suit so fast.
The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy.
It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already
dressed in a blue suit. All
we had
to do was switch heads."
The doctor interrupts his conversation with
his colleague and shouts to the
chasing nurse, "Miss Jones, I said 'Prick
his boil!'"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered
the waiting room and announced
that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets.
Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the
3M Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me
then got up and started to leave.
When I asked him why he was leaving, he
remarked, "I think I need a breath of
fresh air." The man continued, "I work for
7-UP."
"What are you doing out here! You should
be in your room resting," the nurse
exclaimed.
"I want to search through the phone book for a name for my baby," the new mother replied.
"You don't have to do that here. The hospital
furnished a booklet to all new
mothers to assist them in picking a first
name for their baby."
"You don't understand," the woman said and
frowned. "My baby already has a
first name."
At home, she and her husband tried to read
the tiny words printed on her belly, but they were too small. They then
found a magnifying glass and tried
to read
the words; the stamp read: "When your husband can read this without his
glasses, it's time to get yourself to the hospital."
"It's a boy, Mr. Brown," she said, "But we think you'd better go and have a cup of coffee because there might be another!"
Max turned a little pale and left. Some time later, he rang the hospital and was told he was the father of twins.
"But," the nurse went on, "We're sure there's another on the way. Ring back again in a little while."
At that, Max decided that coffee was not
nearly strong enough. He ordered a
few beers and rang the hospital again, only
to be told a third baby had arrived
and a fourth was imminent.
Whitefaced, he stumbled to the bar and ordered a double scotch. Twenty minutes later, he tried the phone again, but he was in such a state that he dialed the wrong number and got the recorded cricket score.
When they picked him up off the floor of
the phone box, the recording was still going strong, "The score is 96 all
out, and the last one was a duck."
The next day, the same performance, with
the man walking out laughing fit to
bust. The pharmacist thinks this odd and
asks his assistant that, if the man
returns, to follow him.
Sure enough, he comes into the store the
next day, repeating his actions once
more. The assistant duly follows. Half an
hour later, he returns.
"So did you follow him?"
"I did."
"And...where did he go?"
"Over to your house..."
The lid popped off, the corpse sat up and said, "You got anything to stop this coffin?"
The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes
back with an old dusty bottle and
says, "This stuff is very potent, you drink
only one ounce of it and I guarantee
that you will be doing the wild thing all
night. Let me know about it."
The weekend goes by and on Monday morning,
the pharmacist is going to work
and at the door of the drug store, the same
fellow is there waiting for him. The
pharmacist says, "What are you doing here
so early? How was your weekend?"
The guy replies, "Quick open the store, I need Blue Ice (a pain muscle reliever).
The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had
been doing all weekend, says, "Are
you crazy, you can't put that on your penis.
The skin is way too sensitive."
The guy says, "It's not for my penis, it's
for my arm."
Pharmacist says, "What?? What happened?"
Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle
of your potion."
Pharmacist says, "And..."
Guy replies, "The girls never showed up!"
"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist. "That's it, I can never remember that word."
"May I speak to the pharmacist?" he asks.
"Well," she replies, "I am the pharmacist."
He looks very uncomfortable, and asks for
a *male* pharmacist, as he has a "male
problem."
She informs him that only she and her sister work at this particular establishment.
He blushes and says, "Well, I really do need
help, so I guess I'll ask you...
I have a problem. I have a constant erection,
and nothing I do seems to get rid
of it. It's been like this for three months
now. Can you give me anything for
it?"
The woman looks thoughtful, and says, "Hold
on, I'll go in back and ask my
sister."
After a couple of minutes she returns and
says, "We'll give you half of the
business and it's profits, but that's all
we can give you for it..."
The patient replies, "Two people are having sex in the middle of the circular room."
The psychiatrist shows the patient another picture of a square with a dot inside it and asks, "What do you see?"
Patient answers, "Two people are having sex
in the square room."
The psychiatrist shows the patient one more
picture of a triangle with a dot outside
it and asks, "What do you see now?"
Patient replies, "Doctor, are you some kind of pervert?!?"
The shrink frowned and said, "I see you need
my help!"
The guy said, "Yeah Doc. Got a match!?"
The other guy looks at him and declares, "I did *not*!"
The bar tender freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you..."
The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining
my life. I can't sleep. I
do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying
me to death, please don't hit me..."
The bar tender takes pity. "Look, I have
a brother who is a psychiatrist,
here's his card, why don't you see him?"
The man hugs the bartender, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank yous...
Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Okay, here you go... Wait! Weren't you that guy who.."
"Yes, And I went and saw your brother. He is fantastic, I am completely cured."
"Well, that's great. This beer is on the
house" So the man drinks the beer, stands on the bar, drops his trousers
and pisses
on the bar.
"You bastard! I thought you said you were
cured!"
"I am! It doesn't bother me anymore..."
The doctors get all excited cause they think
maybe he's in touch with reality
now. So they ask him, "Why did you put the
newspaper down first?"
He answers, "So I'd be higher and have a better view."
A psychiatrist visited a California mental
institution and asked a patient,
"How did you get here? What was the nature
of your illness?"
He got this reply...
"Well, it all started when I got married
and I guess I should never have done it.
I got hitched to a widow with a grown daughter
who then became my stepdaughter.
My daddy came to visit us, fell in love
with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her.
And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother.
Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course,
my daddy's brother-in-law since he
is the half-brother of my stepdaughter,
who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.
So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter
married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother!
Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother,
he also became my uncle.
As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother
since she is my stepmother's mother.
Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter.
Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.
But hold on just a few minutes more.
You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother,
I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather.
Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"
Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some of my favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the word:
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years,
and you can't remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising
from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's
sake, tell them your first name!
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this
man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this
man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this
man in Miami?
A. No.
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first
marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q.Doctor, did you say he was shot in the
woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar
region.
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you
divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q. And who is this person you are speaking
of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several
of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right
now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception
was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing
at that time?
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are
emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
A. Four times.
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed
on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed
on dead people.
Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant
was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't
pronunciate his words.
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill
you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning
pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to
work.
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
When he went, had you gone and had she, if
she wanted to and were able,
for the time being excluding all the restraints
on her not to go, gone also,
would he have brought you, meaning you and
she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should
be taken out and shot.
And lastly, Gary, all your responses must
be oral. O.K.?
What school do you go to?
Oral.
How old are you?
Oral.
What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
She is my daughter.
Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Now, you have investigated other murders,
have you not, where there was a victim?
...and what did he do then?
He came home, and next morning he was dead.
So when he woke up the next morning he was
dead?
Did you tell your lawyer that your husband
had offered you indignities?
He didn't offer me nothing; he just said
I could have the furniture.
So, after the anesthesia, when you came out
of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was
in the hospital.
It was covered?
Yes, bandaged.
Then, later on.. what did you see?
I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and
leg were removed and put on top of my head.
Could you see him from where you were standing?
I could see his head.
And where was his head?
Just above his shoulders.
What can you tell us about the truthfulness
and veracity of this defendant
Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd
kill that sonofabitch- and she did!
Do you drink when you're on duty?
I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I
come on duty drunk.
...any suggestions as to what prevented this
from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
The victim lived.
Are you sexually active?
No, I just lie there.
Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Yes, I have been since early childhood.
The truth of the matter is that you were
not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the
fracas?
No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas
and the naval.
What is the meaning of sperm being present?
It indicates intercourse.
Male sperm?
That is the only kind I know.
(Showing man picture.) That's you?
Yes, sir.
And you were present when the picture was
taken, right?
Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
I work in a central reservation office of an airline. After more than 130,000 conversations--all ending with "Have a nice day and thanks for calling"--I think it's fair to say that I'm a survivor.
I've made it through all the calls from adults who didn't know the difference between a.m. and p.m., from mothers of military recruits who didn't trust their little soldiers to get it right, from the woman who called to get advice on how to handle her teenage daughter, from the man who wanted to ride inside the kennel with his dog so he wouldn't have to pay for a seat, from the woman who wanted to know why she had to change clothes on our flight between Chicago and Washington (she was told she'd have to make a change between the two cities) and from the man who asked if I'd like to discuss the existential humanism that emanates from the soul of Habeeb.
In five years, I've received more than a boot camp education regarding the astonishing lack of awareness of our American citizenry. This lack of awareness encompasses every region of the country, economic status, ethnic background, and level of education. My battles have included everything from a man not knowing how to spell the name of the town he was from, to another not recognizing the name as "Iowa" as being a state, to another who thought he had to apply for a foreign passport to fly to West Virginia. They are the enemy and they are everywhere.
In the history of the world there has never been as much communication and new things to learn as today. Yet, after asking a woman from New York what city she wanted to go to in Arizona, she asked, "Oh... is it a big place?"
I talked to a woman in Denver who had never heard of Cincinnati, a man in Minneapolis who didn't know there was more than one city in the South ("wherever the South is"), a woman in Nashville who asked, "Instead of paying for your ticket, can I just donate the money to the National Cancer Society?", and a man in Dallas who tried to pay for his ticket by sticking quarters in the pay phone he was calling from.
I knew a full invasion was on the way when, shortly after signing on, a man asked if we flew to exit 35 on the New Jersey Turnpike. Then a woman asked if we flew to area code 304. And I knew I had been shipped off to the front when I was asked, "When an airplane comes in, does that mean it's arriving or departing?"
I remembered the strict training we had received--four weeks of regimented classes on airline codes, computer technology, and telephone behavior--and it allowed for no means of retaliation. "Troops," we were told, "it's real hell out there and ya got no defense. You're going to hear things so silly you can't even make 'em up. You'll try to explain things to your friends that you don't even believe yourself, and just when you think you've heard it all, someone will ask if they can get a free round-trip ticket to Europe by reciting 'Mary Had a Little Lamb."
Well, Sarge was right. It wasn't long before I suffered a direct hit from a woman who wanted to fly to Hippopotamus, NY. After assuring her that there was no such city, she became irate and said it was a big city with a big airport. I asked if Hippopotamus was near Albany or Syracuse. It wasn't. Then I asked if it was near Buffalo. "Buffalo!" she said. "I knew it was a big animal!"
Then I crawled out of my bunker long enough to be confronted by a man who tried to catch our flight in Maconga. I told him I'd never heard of Maconga and we certainly didn't fly to it. But he insisted we did and to prove it he showed me his ticket: Macon, GA. A've done nothing during my conversational confrontations to indicate that I couldn't understand English. But after quoting the _round-trip_ fair the passenger _just asked for_ he'll always ask: "...Is that _round trip_?" After quoting the _one-way_ fare the passenger _just asked for_ he'll always, always ask: "...Is that _one-way_?" I never understood why they always question if what _I just gave them_ is what _they just asked for_. Then I realized it was part of the hell Sarge told us about.
But I've survived to direct the lost, correct the wrong, comfort the wary, teach U.S. geography and give tutoring in the spelling and pronunciation of American cities. I have been told things like: "I can't go stand-by for your flight because I'm in a wheelchair." I've been asked such questions as: "I have a connecting flight to Knoxville. Does that mean the plane sticks to something?" And once a man wanted to go to Illinois. When I asked what city he wanted to go to in Illinois, he said, "Cleveland, Ohio."
After 130,000 little wars of varying degrees, I'm a wise old veteran of the communication conflict and can anticipate with accuracy what the next move by "them" will be. Seventy-five percent won't have anything to write on. Half will not have thought about when they're returning. A third won't know where they're going; 10 percent won't care where they're going. A few won't care if they get back. And James will be the first name of half the men who call.
But even if James doesn't care if he gets to the city he never heard of; even if he thinks he has to change clothes on our plane that may stick to something; even if he can't spell, pronounce, or remember what city he's returning to, he'll get there because I've worked very hard to make sure that he can. Then with a click in the phone, he'll become a part of my past and I'll be hoping the next caller at least knows what day it is.
Oh, and James... "Thanks for calling and have a nice day."
Three economists and three mathematicians
were going for a trip by train.
Before journey mathematicians bought 3 tickets
(they could countto three) and economists only one.
Mathematicians were glad their stupid colleagues
were going to pay a fine.
Hovewer when the conductor was approaching
their compartment, all three economists went to the nearest toilet.
Conductor noticing that somebody is in the
loo knocked to the door and in reply saw a hand with the ticket.
He checked it and economists saved 2/3 of
the ticket price.
Next day mathematicians decided to use the
same strategy- they bought only one ticket, but economists did not buy
tickets at all.
When mathematicians saw conductor they went
to the loo, and when they heard knocking they handed in the ticket.
They did not get it back. Why? The economists
took it and went to the other toilet.
Professors of different subjects define the same word different ways.
Prof. of Algebra: kiss is two divided
by nothing. Prof. of Geometry: kiss is the shortest distance between two
straight lines.
Prof. of Physics:
kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry: kiss
is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology:
kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology: kiss is
the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry: kiss is infectious
and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy: kiss is a credit
because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics: kiss is that
thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
Prof. of Statistics: kiss is an event
whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36
Prof. of Philosophy: kiss is the
persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of English:
kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper;
it is spoken in
the plural and it is applicable to all the
genders!
Cool Restaurant jokes!!
Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Yes sir, they're not very good swimmers.
Waiter, what's this in my soup?
I'm not sure, sir, I can't tell one bug
from another.
Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
Yes, sir, it's the hot water that kills
them.
Waiter, there's a twig in my soup.
Yes, sir, we've got branches everywhere.
Waiter, there's a worm on my plate.
That's your sausage, sir.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
That's all right, sir, he won't drink much.
Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
So what do you expect me to do - call a
lifeguard?
Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in
my tea-cup?
I wouldn't know, sir. I'm a waiter, not
a fortune-teller.
Waiter, there's a beetle in my soup; send
the manager here.
That won't do any good, sir - he's afraid
of them as well!
Waiter, there's a fly in my butter.
No there isn't.
I tell you there is a fly in my butter!
And I tell you there isn't; it isn't a fly,
it's a moth and it isn't butter, it's margarine
- so there!
Waiter, your tie is in my soup!
That's all right, sir, it's not shrinkable.
Waiter, your thumb's in my soup!
That's all right, sir, it's not hot.
Waiter, my plate's wet!
That's not wet, sir - that's the soup!
Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!
I'm not surprised, sir, it was _ground_
only a few minutes ago.
Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Sit down, sir - we serve anyone.
Waiter, is this all you've got to eat?
No, sir, I'll be having a nice shepherd's
pie when I get home.
Waiter, how long will my sausages be?
Oh, about three or four inches if you're
lucky.
Waiter, where is my honey?
She left last week, sir.
Waiter, that dog's just run off with my roast
lamb!
Yes, it's very popular, sir.
Waiter, this coffee tastes like soap.
Then that must be tea, sir - the coffee
tastes like glue.
Waiter, is this a lamb chop or a pork chop?
Can't you tell by the taste?
No, I can't.
Then what does it matter?
Waiter, how long have you been here?
Three months, sir.
Ah, then, it can't be you who took my order.
Waiter, this lobster's only got one claw.
I expect he's been in a fight, sir.
Well, bring me the winner!
Waiter, have you got frogs' legs?
Certainly , sir.
Then hop into the kitchen and get me a steak!
Waiter, my bill please.
How did you find your luncheon, sir?
With a magnifying glass.
Waiter, what do you call this?
That's been (bean) soup, sir.
I don't care what it's been, what is it
now?
Waiter, I'll have the pie, please.
Anything with it, sir?
If it's anything like last time I'd better
have a hammer and chisel.
Waiter, I'll have my bill now.
How did you find your steak, sir?
Oh, I just move the potato and there it
was.
Waiter! Come here & taste this
soup.
Where's the spoon?
A-ha!
I'll have a glass of tea.
I'll have a glass of tea, too -- and make
sure the glass is clean.
(A few minutes later:)
Which one wanted the clean glass?
Waiter, this soup tastes funny?
Funny? But why aren't you laughing?
A pretty secretary was late for work
as she stepped into the lift she
removed her coat, when she reached
the second floorshe took her gloves,
when she reached the third floor where
she worked, she removed her
jacket.
After she stepped out, a young fellow remarked
to his friend, "Gosh!,
if only she worked on the top floor".
The fireman climbs the ladder to the bedroom
of a burning house, and there he finds a curvaceous brunette,
"Ah", he says, "you are the third pregnant
girl I 've rescued this month".
"But, I 'm not pregnant!"
" You 're not rescued yet!"
Many years ago there was an out of work salesman. Couldn't find a job anywhere. One day he applies for work at Seven-Up and the manager asks him why he should be hired. "I've got a WONDERFULL idea," he exclaims, "You send me to deepest darkest Africa with a boat load of Seven-Up and if I don't sell every single bottle, I'll waive any and all commissions and even pay my way back! You have absolutely nothing to lose!"
The manager realizes this is a damn good idea, hires him, has the boat filled, and sends the salesman on his way to points east. He is never heard from again.
After several months pass, the manager becomes the laughing stock of the company and realizes he has been taken for a ride, so he hires a private detective to set out in search of the missing salesman. Off he goes to the jungle. After weeks of questions, false leads and monsoons,the detective finds what's left of the boat on the banks of a small river. Only a well-worn path and one Seven-Up bottle holds the clues to what has happened to the missing salesman and follow the path he did! After many miles of discarded and broken Seven-Up bottles he comes to a small village almost constructed of the bottles. They're hanging from the villagers as jewerly, used as windows for the huts, kids are using them as toys, and the Chief has a royal headdress made entirely of Seven-Up bottles. They are EVERYWHERE!
The detective goes up to the chief of the village and asks, "I see you have many bottles here from my company, but what happened to the man that sold them to you?"
"Oh, he one big cheat!" cried the chief. "He take us for all our valuables, made love to my daughter and would not marry her, and try to escape without leaving Seven-Up! We kill him. We put him in big pot and cook him. Then we eat him. We eat him from his thing up. Then we eat him from his thing down".
"MY GOD!!!!" said the salesman, "Jeeeezus, if you ate him from his thing up, then ate him from his thing down, why didn't you just go ahead and eat his thing, too?????"
"Because," explained the chief, "Things go better with Coke."
So, I am looking for a gynecologist for my next girlfriend.