The Confession Box

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    THE NEW PRIEST

    The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak.
    Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax.
    The Monsignor said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go smoothly."

    The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, upon returning to the rectory he found a note from the Monsignor:

    Dear Father,

    1. Next time sip rather than gulp.
    2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
    3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
    4. We do not refer to the Cross as the "Big T".
    5. The recommended grace before meals is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!"
    6. We do not refer to our Savior, Jesus Christ and his Apostles as the late J.C. and the Boys".
    7. David slew Goliath, he did not "Kick the shit out of him".
    8. Moses parted the water at the Red Sea, he didn't pass water.
    9. We don't refer to Judas as "El Finko".
    10. The Pope is consecrated not castrated, and we don't refer to him as "The Godfather".
    11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body," he did not say, "Eat me."
    12. David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, he wasn't "stoned off his ass".
    13. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook."
    14. It is always the Virgin Mary, never "Mary with the Cherry".
    15. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a Taffy-Pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

    Santa was very cross.  It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies.  The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys.  The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk.  To make matters worse, they had takeen the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

    Santa was furious.  "I can't believe it!  I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet!  What am I going to do?"

    Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree.  He says "Yo, fat man!  Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

    And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas  trees came to pass........ 


    One midnight, one middle age man was waiting at a train station  to cross the country to back east to see his relative.As he stepped up into the train car. he noticed that the car was almost empty except  a young beautiful nun sat by herself reading a bible. The man came  and  sat near by her hoping to get some companionship during
    the long  ride. However, the nun was paying no attention to him. She just kept  on  reading bible without even looking up to him nor saying a word.

    Half an hour went by slowly and silently making the man more and more  anxious to start conversation. But he did not know how to start. The man then put his hand on the nun's lap. The nun blushed with a  little bit of anger. She turned around and said:

    Nun : Dear sir, do you believe in god?
    Man : Yes, I do.
    Nun : Have you read the bible?  You know it is wrong to put your hand on my lap.  Perhaps you should go home and read line 23 on page 157.

    The man withdrew his hand and sat quietly till the train reached the  east coast. Next day, people found    out that he shot himself in his room while the bible lied open on page 157 the line 23 read: "Heaven is a little bit higher."

    The Rabbi has made a social call on his friend the Priest, who is just due to go in and hear confession, so he asks the Rabbi along as a matter of professional courtesy.
    The first one in the booth says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I've committed adultery three times."
    The Priest says to her, "Say ten Hail Marys as an act of contrition."
    The next one then comes in and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I've committed adultery three times."
    So, he says to her, "Say ten Hail Marys as an act of contrition."

    Suddenly the Priest's secretary comes and says he's got an important long-distance phone call.
    He asks the Rabbi to listen to the next confession.
    She comes in and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I've committed adultery twice."
    The Rabbi says, "You mean you committed adultery three times." But she says, "No, only twice."
    So the Rabbi says, "Go out and commit adultery one more time and then say ten Hail Marys; we're having a special this week."

    In the Beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.

    Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

    Then God said, "Let there be light", and immediately the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire: that he would obtain a building permit and to conserve energy, would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night". Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

    God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed". The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life and the fowl that may fly over the earth". Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

    Everything was O.K. until God said he wanted to complete the project in Six days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the application and impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before...

    At this point God created Hell.

        Why God never Received Tenure at any university

    1. He had only one major publication
    2. It was in Hebrew
    3. It had no references
    4. It wasn't published in a referred journal 5. Some doubt he wrote it himself
    6. He may have created the world, but what has He done since?
    7. The scientific community can't replicate His results.
    8. He never got permission from the ethics board to use human subjects.
    9. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
    10. He rarely came to class and just told students, "Read the Book."
    11. Some say He had his son teach the class.
    12. He expelled His first two students.
    13. His office hours were irregular and sometimes held on a mountaintop.
    14. Although there were only 10 requirements, most students failed. 

        Top 10 reasons why the GODS don't drink milk in the USA.

    10 They prefer KFC chicken, monoglaucomate or no monoglaucomate.
     9     They have yet to decide whether to drink skim milk or whole milk.
     8     They prefer diet drinks and Pepsico and Coke dont sell diet milk.
     7     Milk doesn't come in convenient six packs, bud does.
     6     They get delivery back home. Out here, they have to carry out.
     5    They cant go to the local nightspot and say "one peg milk on the rocks"..
     4     Milk is chilled. Its not COOL.  Chicks like COOL.
     3     No free refils...
     2     OJ is more famous than milk..
     1     The GOP has already milked the people, why should GOD do it again.

    An avid golfer hits his ball into the woods. As he goes to look for it, he stumbles upon a leprechaun who is brewing a mysterious concoction.
    "What are you making?" asks the golfer.  "It smells wonderful."
    "This is a magic brew," says the leprechaun.
    "If you drink it, your golf game will improve remarkably, and you'll never be defeated."
    "Well, then, let me have some," says the golfer.
    "Have as much as you like," says the leprechaun.  "But I must warn you, there is one serious side effect. It will almost certainly diminish your sexual desire."
    "I can live with that," says the golfer, and gulps down a full cup.
    The brew works.  Just as the leprechaun predicted, the golfer defeats all challengers and within six months he's the undisputed local champion.
    The golfer is delighted, and one day he goes back into the woods to thank his benefactor.
    "It worked," says the golfer.  "It really worked!  I'm the best golfer this club has ever seen."
    "Yes, but how is your sex life?" asks the leprechaun.
    "Pretty good," says the golfer.  "I've had sex three or four times in the past six months."
    "That doesn't sound so great to me," says the leprechaun.
    "Actually," says the golfer, "it's not so bad at all for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

    A television interviewer asked an Italian nun what life was like in World War II.
    "Well," she said, "when the Germans came, they raped all of us except Sister Matilda.
    And when Americans came, they raped all of us except Sister Matilda.
    And when the British came, they raped all of us except Sister Matilda".

    "Yes", said the interviewer, "but why didn't they rape Sister Matilda?"
    "Oh, Sister Matilda didn't like that sort of thing".