Behind Closed Doors

Admiral's daughter, but her naval base was always full of seamen.
Astronaut's daughter, but she knew how to take off.
Athlete;s daughter, but she was always ready to play ball.
Barman's daughter, but she knew how to pull them.
Blacksmith's daughter, but she knew how to forge ahead.
Bookbinder's daughter, but she knew her way between the sheets.
Bricklayer's daughter, but she was certainly stacked.
Butcher's daughter, but there wasn't much more she could loin.
Cattleman's daughter, but she couldn't keep her calves together.
Carpenter's daughter, but you should have seen her circular sores!
Carpenter's daughter, but she always had tools in her box!
Cave man's daughter, but you should have seen what dinosaur.
Chimney sweeps daughter, but she could haul ash.
Clergyman's daughter, but you couldn't put anything pastor.
Cobbler's daughter, but she was built to last.
Communist's daughter, but all the boys got a share.
Doctor's daughter, but she really knew how to operate.
Draughtman's daughter, but she never knew where to draw the line.
Electrician's daughter, but she had good connections.
Electrician's daughter, But she light up half the town.
Farmer's daughter, but she knew hundreds of ways to fertilize.
Film censor's daughter, but she didn't know when to cut it out.
Fisherman's daughter, but all the guys swallowed her lines.
Fishmonger's daughter, but she lay on the slab and said fillet.
Flag-wavers daughter, But she'd let her standards down for anyone.
Florist's daughter, but she had the best tulips in town.
Fruit vendor's daughter, but she certainly had a pail.
Ganger's daughter, But she knew the fettlers length.
Garagemans daughter, but she didn't like the smell of benzols!
Gravediggers daughter, but anyone cadaver :^)
Gravedigger's daughter, but she liked lying under the sod.
Green grocer's daughter, but her melons were the juiciest in town!
Insurance broker's daughter, but all the guys liked her policy.
Jockey's daughter, but all the horse manure.
Lighthouse keeper's daughter, but she never went out at night.
Milkman's daughter, but she was cream of the crop.
Moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still.
Musician's daughter, but she knew all the bars in town.
Optician's daughter, but after a few of glasses made a spectacle of herself.
Parachutists daughter, but she was free-4-all
Philanthropist's daughter, but she kept giving things away.
Photographer's daughter, but she was really developed.
Pitcher's daughter, but you should have seen her curves.
Plumber's daughter, but she made good use of her fixtures.
Pilots daughter, But she always kept her cockpit clean.
Postman's daughter, But she always had mail in her box.
Professor's daughter, but she gave all the boys a lesson.
Real estate agent's daughter, but she gave a lot away.
Road worker's daughter, but she knew how to get her asphalt.
Statistician's daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations.
Steelworker's daughter, but you should see that pig iron.
Telegrapher's daughter, but she sure didit...didit...didit....
Tree feller's daughter, but t'ree fellas were never enough for her.
Undertaker's daughter, but she knew how to bu...stiff.
Vacuum salesman's daughter, but she knew how to suck!
Violinists daughter, but she took off her G-string and all the boys fiddled.
Weatherman's daughter, but she sure had a warm front.
Wood-chopper's daughter, but you could hear her ring-barking for miles.

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks - usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian nor American space programs.

Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant.

On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. He finally responded.

It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball
which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorksy. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

THE SECRET TO OLD AGE

A woman is having her 90th birthday.

Huge celebration in the village. Everybody is there - the mayor, the police and a reporter from the local newspaper.

He wants to know how she achieved to have such a long life.

She tells him about her fulfilled life - and about the 3 beers and 2 cigars she has each day.

'Not to forget a healty and active sex life keeps my circulation going' she adds.

The reporter curious now, asks deferentially 'So when was the last time you made love, Mam ?'

'Well, let me think - made love - the last time I did that was around 1945'.

'Whoah', the reporter says, 'but that's a helluva long time ago'.

'You think so ?' the woman replies and checks her watch. 'But it's only 20:15 now.

I'm a bio major at IUP (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) and was taking a cell biology course my freshman year. Our task of the day was examining epitheleal cheek cells under
a microscope. We had to scrape the inside of our mouth with a toothpick and make a slide from it and id the different types of cells that were found.

One girl in the class (a rather well built sorority gal, which is why I sat next to her) was having some trouble identifing some cells. She called the prof. over to ask him. After a moment or two of peering in her scope, he looked up, and said in a loud voice,

"Those are sperm cells!"

The girl turned bright red and ran out of the room. Needless to say, she dropped the class. Although I spent two weeks looking for her, I never saw her again. Such is life.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.

The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise,starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

Upon walking in his front door, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!"

She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning".

The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong with you?"

The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"

The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'."

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."

"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.

"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?

He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"

"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.

"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.

"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."

10. You are guarenteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9.if you get tired, rest a minute then go back for more...
8.The uglier you look.. the easier it is to get some...
7.You don't have to compliment the one who gave you the candy...
6.it is OK to fantasize that you are someone else... because YOU ARE someone else..
5. 40 years from now.. you will still enjoy candy...
4.If you don't get what you want you can always go next door...
3.it is alright if your kids hear you making groaning noises...
2.Less guilt the next morning
1.And..... You can DO the whole neighborhood....

Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked.

Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read:

Lose weight
Only $1.00 a pound
Call (202) 555-0238

The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"

The man responded, "Ten pounds."

The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and we"ll have a representative over to your house in the morning."

About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me."

Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"--to which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds."

"Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give me your credit card number and we"ll have a representative over to your house in the morning."

At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!

"This is fantastic!" he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" the voice asked, "That"s an awful lot of weight to lose at one time." The man replied, "Listen buddy, here"s my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!" and he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative.

At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating,

"IF I CATCH YOU, I'M GOING TO SCREW YOU."

I'm saddened to announce the passing of The Energizer Bunny.

AP August 22, 1996 - The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:42am.

Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.

Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming...

Foul play has not been ruled out.

Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't need twenty years", he protested, "Ten is plenty for me." Man spoke up eagerly. "Can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed.

Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?" The lion said of course he could.

Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years-but like the others, ten was sufficient-and again man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?"

Which explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it and ten years of making an ass of himself.

The next day, the farmer heads to the hen house and, sure enough, ol' Jimmy has serviced all of the hens and there are eggs galore! He then hears a lot of noise coming from his barn and when he finally gets there, he spots Jimmy trying to get it on with Bessie the cow.

"Jimmy!" , cries the farmer, "You had better stop that or else you are going to kill yourself!". Jimmy walks away dejectedly and everything seems okay for a while.

A few weeks later, the farmer hears more loud noises and eventually finds Jimmy trying to hump Harley the horse.

"Jimmy!", cries the farmer, "I told you before that if you don't stop this behavior, you are going to kill yourself!". Once again, Jimmy just walks away feeling bad.

As time goes on, the hens appear to be happy (now that they are being serviced regularly), the eggs are produced on time and life is good. Then one day, the farmer ventures out and finds that the hens have passed out, the cow is laying prostrate...in fact, all of the farm animals are worn out from Jimmy's amorous ways. The farmer is furious and is looking all over for Jimmy to no avail. Finally, he spots Jimmy out in the open field. Jimmy is laying on his back with his poor little legs straight up in the air. The situation looks bad...even the buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer runs over with tears in his eyes and says "Jimmy, I knew this would happen. I told you that if you kept trying to screw everything, you would eventually kill yourself!".

Jimmy opens one eye, turns his head towards the farmer, points in the air and whispers, "Shhh, Buzzards!".

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you.

One, you have not studied your lesson.

Two, you have a dirty mind.

And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

"What condition does he have?" the student asks. "He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies.
"If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma."

The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.

"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"

"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."

The worm

The grandson grabbed hold of the worm and pulled it out the rest of the say.
Grandpa said, "I'll bet you a dollar you can't put that worm back the hole."
The grandson thought about it for a minute then turned and went into the house. Soon, he came back with a can of hairspray, thouroughly coated the worm, making it as stiff as a board, then gently slid the worm back into the hole. Grandpa shrugged and handed him a one dollar bill.

The next morning, the grandson was sitting on the front poarch when Grandpa came out of the house and held out another one dollar bill and said,"Here's your dollar, son."
The grandson said, "But Grandpa, you already gave me the dollar for the bet."
Grandpa said, "I know, this one is from Grandma." 

Your Favorite Color is the Key to Your Sexual Life

RED: People who like red tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is ignited, it may take hours to extinguish. When two reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterly blush. Lovers of red tend to be aggressors and weaker colors should be aware.

YELLOW: If you tend to favor yellow, your sexual drives are complex and turn toward the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is yellow. But don't panic - not everyone who wears yellow is queer. In most cases the person will consent to the stronger partner's desires in a passive manner.You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from somebody you enjoy or admire.

PINK: Persons who like pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters: women tend to tease, to promise more than they intend to deliver. In some cases they flaunt their femininity - but because they secretly hate men. A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire wardrobes in pink. Men who like pink are the philanderers and flirts. They are the type who will make three dates for the same evening and not keep one, preferring to pick up a dish in some bar instead. Women whose husbands like pink should keep a secret nest egg.

PURPLE: Lovers of purple frequently consider themselves to be too sophisticated for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hate to mess their hair. Men are business-like in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes purple partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than anyone else's gratification.

BLACK: Black color preferences point to black sex (not necessarily meaning black partners). These people are the misfits of the sex world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people and often perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times. Police psychiatrists claim that sex offenders prefer the color black. And it is no coincidence that the uniform of monsters and teenage gangs is black attire.

GREEN: Those who prefer green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex. Women who love green will always make love like virgins all their life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward but in a charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about infidelity.

ORANGE: Lovers of the color orange lean toward sexual fantasies. The sex act is regarded as a dramatic one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings, meaningless dialogue they feel it is their image. Orange people often do not experience orgasm - but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to pull their partner's hair, and women leave red welts on the sex partner's back.

BROWN: If you love brown, you're a real treasure for the right mate. Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep, sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners. Sex is a 24 hour a day thing. Where you can't say "I love you" often enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching snowflakes on their tongue is a turn-on to a lover of brown. They need lots of time and privacy to make love. But their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair.

GRAY: The color gray a preferred by people who are indecisive. They can't get excited about anything - including color - so they choose a noncommittal shade. Men who prefer gray look at sex as a way of relieving tension-but nothing more, nothing less. It's wham,bam, thank you ma'am. Women don't make love, they have intercourse. And for one of two reasons only: to accommodate their mate, or to become pregnant. They count the cracks in the bedroom plaster until the sex act is over with and done. But when teamed with another color, the gray spouse considers the other's infidelity a blessing. When gray marries another gray, the marriage is made in heaven.

BLUE: Lovers of blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sinners, affectionate and sensitive to their partner's need. They consider love making a fine art and their approach is elegant. Men who love blue are like concert pianists, delicately ravaging their partner like they would play a baby grand. Women in the blue category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting partners but their passion may be compared to a tidal wave rather than fiery aggression. Both women and men enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of lovemaking, as much as the sex act itself. In marriage a blue person is a wonderful mate - never seeking outside interests.

WHITE: If a person is infatuated with white, sex often seems filthy. These people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to make love in the daylight in unheard of. Women who love white will undress beneath the covers. Men will shower before and after the sex act. These people still use pet names for their genitals. 

Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks onthe door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?

"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke."

She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.

"Okay," she says.

After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"

They say, "Huh?"

She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch,rocking back and forth.

Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."

"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off." 

Inch By Inch !!

She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said, "Pardon me." Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic. The next day she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven!

She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behaviour."

The next day the headline in the local newspaper said, "Chinese Waiter Crushed by Two Torpedoes!" 

THE NEW SECRETARY - Mr. Jones hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. While taking dictation one morning, she noticed his fly was open. Upon leaving the room, she said "Mr. Jones, your barracks door is open." He was puzzled by her remark, but later that day he noticed that his zipper was open.

He decided to have a little fun and called her into his office.

"By the way Miss Smith", he said, "when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"

"Why, no sir"' she replied, "all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags".
 

"I have three front row tickets to the Dodgers game,"

"Three?" she replied, "why do we need three tickets?"

Winking slyly, the youth said " they're for your parents and brother" 

So the pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small black cardboard box marked with an "X" and says "Here, if you eat this you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"

The guy says "gimmee 3 boxes".

Same guy walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's dick is black blue, the skin's hanging off in places. The man says "gimmee a bottle of Absorbine Jr."

To which the pharmacist replies "ABSORBINE JR.? You're not going to put ABSORBINE JR. on that are you?"

Man "No it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up". 

A gentleman was leaving work, taking the elevator from the 30th floor. A beautful woman got on at the 29th floor and stopped the elevator.
She began to slowly and seductivly remove her clothing. First her blazer, which she let fall to the floor.
Button by button she removed her blouse, moving toward the man and letting it drop at his feet. Next she slipped out of her bra and panities.
Now fully undressed, she leaned into the gentleman and whispered in his ear, "Make me feel like a woman.."
"Well," he said looking at the floor, "why don't you fold up those cloths!" 

A young teenager girl enters a shop and asks for condoms. The shop-owner can't believe his eyes: "Condoms at your age? Look: there is still milk on your face!".

"It isn't milk", she answers. 

One day, a banana and a penis were having a conversation..... The banana says to the penis, "I hate my life. All people do to me is peel me and then eat me."
The penis laughs, and says "That's nothing!! I get forced into tight clothes, shoved into dark tunnels and forced to do push-ups until I throw up.
That's not all, my best friend is a pussy, my neighbor is an asshole, and I have these two complete nuts who hang around me all the fucking time!"
 

Q. Why are there bumps around a womens nipple?
A. It's for the blind, it braille for suck me. 

This lady walks into a bar and orders a pitcher of Coors from the bartender. She sits down at a corner table and proceeds to drinking. After she's finished, not being much of a drinker, she passes out cold. All the guys in the bar see this and take turns having sex with her limp body. The next night, same thing... She walks in, gets another pitcher of Coors, sits down, drinks it, passes out and all the guys jump on her again. Third night, she comes in and the bartender is already getting a woodie. "A pitcher of Coors, ma'am?" he asks. "No, make it Bud," she replies, "Coors makes my pussy hurt." 

An old man got married to an 18 years old girl. One day, he went to a doctor and told him that he wanted to have a kid.
The doctor thought for a while and said to the man, "If you and your wife don't mind, I suggest that you should find someone to help you."
The man thought for a while and left the clinic.

Few months later, the old man returned to the doctor again with smiley face.
To the doctor, he said, "Thank you, doc. I followed your suggestion and found
someone to help me. Now my wife is pregnant. Thanks, thanks."

The doctor could not keep his wonder, so he asked, "Uh.., congratulations,
but how about the one who helped you?"

The old man doubled his smile and replied, "Oh! She is pregnant, also!"
 

A fellow walks into the pharmacy and ask to purchase some condoms. "What size package would you like?"
"Oh, I get to choose? What do you have?" "Well we have a six-pack, a nine-pack and a twelve-pack." "Why so many different ones?"
"Well the six-pack is very popular with our customers of the Jewish persuasion."
"Why is that?"
"Evidently, once a night, except the sabbath." "How about the nine-pack?"
"That is very popular with our customers of the black persuasion. Once a night and twice on weekends."
"How about the twelve-pack."
"That is very popular with our customers of the white persuasion...January, February, March..."

The dwarf at the top, sees snowwhite and the prince sitting and talking in the garden.

He says to the dwarf who's shoulder he is standing on:

"Snow White is with the Prince"

This in turn gets passed down, dwarf to dwarf "Snow White is with the Prince"
"Snow White is with the Prince"
"Snow White is with the Prince"
"Snow White is....." (well you get the picture)

until it has reached all the dwarfs.

Then the dwarf at the top says:

"They're Kissing"

Again the chain starts:
"They're Kissing"
"They're Kissing"
"They're Kissing"
"They're ......."

"He's taking off her clothes"
"He's taking off her clothes"
"He's taking off her clothes"
"He's taking off............"

"They're both nude now"
"They're both nude now"
"They're both nude now"
"They're both........."

"He's about to enter her"
"He's about to enter her"
"He's about to enter her"
"He's about to.........."

At this point Snow White hears a sound near the wall, and so she gets up to investigate.

The dwarf at the top sees this and says:

"She's Coming"

"So am I"
"So am I"
"So am I"
"So am I"
"So am I"
"So am I"
"So am I"

Two ruffians burst into the bank with guns drawn. They're big, rough, mean looking men. The first blurts out: "This is a hold up! We're going to rape the men and rob the women!"
His partner says, "You've mixed it up. We're going to rob the men and rape the women."
From the back of the bank comes the voice of a gay cashier: "Oh shut up! Who made _you_ boss?" 

What do a camera and a condom have in common?
Both of them can "capture that special moment".

BED GOLF, Rules Of Play

While auditioning for a job, a pianist played one of his own compositions. "That's beautiful," the lounge owner enthused. "What do you call it?"
"Rip Off Her Clothes and Screw Her Doggy Style," the pianist replied. The owner told the musician to play another piece, which was equally beautiful. When asked the title, the pianist replied, "Shove Your Dick in Her Mouth and Whistle a Happy Melody."
"Look, I love your music," the owner said, "but I'll hire you only if you keep your song titles to yourself."
The pianist agreed and began to work that night. After his first set, he got up to go to the men's room. On his way back, a customer stopped him.
"Excuse me, do you know your fly's unzipped and your cock is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the pianist exclaimed. "I wrote it!!!" 

Met a guy in Las Vegas who really looked down in the dumps, and I asked him if he'd been cleaned out at the casinos. He said, "It's worse than that. I blew almost all my dough, and then I was propositioned by this really great looking hooker as I was walking along the Strip. I told her I was nearly broke, and she said, 'For sure you've still got a hundred bucks for a quick one,' but I said, 'Nope - don't have near that much.'
"'Well, how about fifty bucks for a blow job?' "And I said, 'Nope - don't have fifty bucks left.' "'Well then,' she says, 'I can let you have a hand job for $25.' "And I said, 'Really, I'd love to, but I don't even have that much left.' "So she says, 'How about a wax job for five bucks?' And I tell her I've never heard of a wax job, but she says, 'Whadda ya got to lose?' and we go behind a parked car in Bally's parking lot. So, I give her the five dollars and she kicks me in the nuts so hard the wax blows out of my ears.'"

A young man was performing oral sex on his girl friend and asked, "How often do you wash that thing?"
"Every day," she replied indignantly. "No wonder it hasn't got any flavor," he replied disgustedly. 

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having
a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son
replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The
father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight.
His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son.
The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had
died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him
to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight.
His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son.
The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died.
The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.

The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next
day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After
dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision.
He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning.
He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed.
He jumps at every noise,starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

Upon walking in his front door, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he
proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!"

She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the
doorstep this morning". 

The guy on the left says, "I also had a dream that someone was pulling on my dick."

The guy in the middle says, "I had a dream that I went skiing."

Another version...

Three guys drive to a ski range and arrive late at night.
They finally find a place to stay, but when they get to their room, they find that it only has one large bed, and this is the last room in the place.
They decide, 'What the heck, it's only one night' and share the bed.

The next morning, they all wake up. The guy on the left side of the bed says, "I had the strangest dream. I thought some guy was jerking me off."

The guy on the other side of bed is shocked. "I had the same dream, too!"
The guy who slept in the middle says, "Well, I didn't have that dream. I had a dream that I was skiing!"

A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head.
Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it.
An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly.

The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?" The elderly man replies,
"I can't see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs."

The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"

Two lices meet each other. One of them is in a terrible shape, so the other one asks, "Why are you in such bad shape?"

The other lice answers, "Well, I am living in the moustache of a guy who spent the whole day riding a Harley Davidson 90 miles per hour. Picture the wind."

"Well, you have to do like me. Get yourself a sweet 15-year-old girl and you will see. Every night, a nice bath, a clean pantie, and a warm bed."
Hearing that, the other lice decides to take the advice and they split.

After few weeks, they meet again and, again, the second lice is in a very bad shape.
"Hey. Didn't you do as I told?" "Yeah, I did. The first few days, everything seems okay.
But then, one night, there was an earthquake and, the next morning, I wake up again in the motorcycle rider's moustache!"

A guy in a restaurant orders chicken noodle soup. He starts to eat the soup and chokes on a hair in the soup.
After gagging for a minute, he calls the waitress. "I'm not paying for this soup. There was a hair in it."
The waitress and customer get into a bit of an argument over the problem.
The guy ends up storming out of the restaurant without paying. The waitress sees the guy go across the street to a house of ill repute.

The waitress's shift is over in about 15 minutes. She hurries over to the hooker house and finds out where the guy is.
The waitress crashes into the room where the guy and lady of the evening are engaging.
As she walks in, the waitress sees the guy with his face in the hooker's business area.
The waitress, seeing this, says, "You wouldn't pay for the chicken noodle soup because you found hair in it. Now look where your face is."
The guy, upon pulling his face out of the muff, turns to the waitress and says, "And if I find a noodle in there, I will not pay for that either."

A Marine drill sergeant came into a pharmacy and took a tattered old condom out of his wallet and asked the pharmacist,
"How much for a new one like this?" "Ohh, I'd say about sixty cents," replied the pharmacist.
"Right, and how much to have this one repaired?" asked the drill sergeant.
Amused and puzzled, the pharmacist decided to humor the sergeant. "Oh, about about forty cents."

"I'll have to think about it." replied the drill sergeant, who then put the condom back into his wallet and left.
Two week later, the drill sergeant returned and, throwing the even more ragged old condom out on the counter, said, "Okay, the regiment has decided to buy a new one!"

To prevent his son from learning about sex with women too soon, a very religious father taught his son that women have teeth down there in between the legs and the child grew up completely convinced of that fact.

Years later, he gets married. After few weeks of not getting touched and not even having done the dirty deed on the night of their honeymoon, his wife starts to ask him more and more to give her the intimacy that she wants. The guy worries and goes to his friend John to get some help.

John, being a sly one and hoping to cash in on some of the grand prize libido that the wife has been building up, tells John, "Okay, tonight I will be hiding under the bed and when your wife gets into bed, you will go to the bathroom and I will take care of her. And don't come out of the bathroom until I tell you that it's safe."

So that night, when the wife gets into bed, the guy leaves the room and goes into the bathroom.

A few minutes later, the woman starts screaming out loud. The guy stands behind the bathroom door and starts yelling,
"Come on John! Come on John! Break her fucking teeth off!!"

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair.
One day, he comes home and, sure enough, there is his wife on the bed, naked and splayed, with a guy on top of her going to town.

The husband exclaims, "What the hell are you doing to my wife?!"
The guy thinks fast and replies, "I'm just listening to the beautiful music coming from your wife!"

"Music?", the husband cries out, "I don't hear any music!"
The guy replies, "That's because you ain't plugged in!"

A guy and his young nephew were riding the bus one day and the nephew spotted two dogs going at it on the sidewalk.
The nephew asked the guy, "What's going on over there?"

The guy didn't want to explain anything sexual to his nephew so he said, "Well, that dog on top hurt his leg, see?  And his friend is helping him home."

The nephew thought for a moment and said, "Well, ain't that a bitch! You try to help a friend and he'll fuck ya every time..."

This bloke returned home unexpectedly early from the office one day. Went upstairs only to find his wive being screwed by her lover.
So he went to a cupboard and pulled out a shotgun. He pointed gun at lover and told him to stop.

The lover is standing in front of the gun, totally naked. "Right," the husband said, "I'm gonna shoot your balls off."
"Oh please sir, give me a fair chance!" pleaded the lover.

"Okay then, set 'em swinging." replied the husband.

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A Rabbi decides to retire. Over the years, he had saved and preserved all the foreskins from all of the circumcisions he had performed.
He decided that he should do something with them, so he sought out a local tanner.
He took his container of foreskins (there were thousands of them) to the man and explained what they were.
He asked if the tanner thought he could make something useful out of the little things.
The tanner thought a little and settled on an idea. He told the Rabbi to come back in a week.

A week later, the Rabbi returned. He asked the tanner to see what he had made out of all the foreskins.
The tanner smiled, reached under the counter proudly pulled out a wallet, and set it on the counter.

"Oy Vay," exlaimed the Rabbi. "All those thousands of foreskins and all you can make is a wallet?"

"Ah, it is a very special wallet," replied the tanner. "When you rub it, it turns into a suitcase."

Habits die hard

Pickup Lines

My favorite line was on taxi a while ago "You look like the type of girl who has heard every line in the book...
        So what's one more??"
"Hi there! I'm interested in having breakfast with you. Can I call you or nudge you?"

"Excuse me. Do you wanna f**k or should I apologize?"

"Say, didn't we go to different schools together?"

"Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masterbate and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you?"

I had a friend who used to hand out calling cards which said "Smile if you want to sleep with me", and then watch the victim try to hold back her smile...

"That dress would look awfully nice on the floor next to my bed..."

Alright, these are bad (and old), but you asked:

"If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?" "How about breakfast in my bed tomorrow morning?" "Wanna play carnival? That's where you sit on my face and I try to guess your weight."
"If you want me, don't shake me, or wake me, just take me." "Want to see my stamp collection?"
"Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy."

#1.. Im not looking for a relationship.. Im looking for an experience!

#2.. Hi, do you want to have my children? (assuming the answer is 'no') , OK then, can we just practice?

"Mama don't mind what mama don't see" -- Def Leppard

For the Modern Man:

"You have the ass of a great artist."

The best pickup line I've heard recently was something a friend of mine heard at the bar where he works. He told a girl that he would like to get her phone number. Came her casual reply:

"Oh, you can just read it off of my phone in the morning."

Here's one that's sure to woo the ladies ;-)

Miss, If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in ?

"i require a tissue sample. may i sever a little-used portion of your body?"

Excuse me, you have some lipstick on your tooth, mind if I lick it off?

The corollary to this was:
Excuse me, you have some lipstick the back of your throat, mind if I lick it off?

"That dress looks good on you, but it would look better on my bedroom floor."

Hey, want to go get a pizza, beer and then fuck? "Hell no!"
What's wrong, don't like pizza...

"Your face or Mine??"

Her: What do you think of this (dress, sweater, article of clothing)? Him: I like nothing better.

Him (at night): Would you like to have breakfast with me? Her: Sure.
Him: Shall I phone you, or nudge you?

The best pickup line I witnessed was a friend of mine who walked up to a young lady in a club and asked "Are you ready to go home now?". They left together.

"Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you."

"Hey, you don't sweat much for a fat girl."

That's a nice dress - could I talk you out of it?

If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold _IT_ against me?

"Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?"

friend asked for a match:

"How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?"

"Take off that dress and fuck my brains out you cave newt."

"Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?"

"I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out."

"Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist."

"Let's take a shower together --you smell."

"I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gadoraid"

"Kiss me you fool, fuck me you harlot."

"I've got an itch, honey. Lower. lower. in. out."

"If I was elvis, would you screw me?"

"Do you want to see something swell?"

I want to thank you for [insert any event here], Grab your ankles bitch!

"Excuse me. Do you wanna f**k or should I apologize?"

"Hey baby...infect me!"

"Hey baby...can you suck the chrome off a bumper?!?"

"Wanna play carnival? That's where you sit on my face and I try to guess your weight."

"If you want me, don't shake me, or wake me, just take me."

"Want to see my stamp collection?"

"Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy."

``I wanna floss with your pubic hair.''

``I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?''

``Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?''

``I'd look good on you.''

``Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?!?! I thought you knew...''

Is that a double ended dilldo shoved up your cunt or are you just glad to see me?

Is that a tic-tac in your pocket
or are you just glad to see me?

At the dinner table, (if you eat together) pickup the bread and say "wanna roll?"

"Why don't you come on over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?"

"Excuse me, have I fu**ed you yet?"

"Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us"

Pardon me miss, but I help noticing that you have cum in your hair ........

II'd give you a piece of my mind, but I've got more of something else.

Ever tried those weird prickly condoms? (sure to get responses)

Funny you should mention that, I was a gynacologist once.

Cold out isn't it? (staring at breasts)

Hey! Ya wanna try out my new "Home Artificial Insemination Kit"?

Your place, or mine?

Irish : Have you got a little Irish in you? She: Uh...no....
Irish: Well, do you want some?

Wanna fuck like bunnies?

"Say, didn't we go to different schools together?"

"Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masterbate and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you?"

I had a friend who used to hand out calling cards which said "Smile if you want to sleep with me", and then watch the victim try to hold back her smile...
"Would you like to see my boa constrictor?"
"Is that a false nose?"
"You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno."
"I'm drunk."
"Hi, my friends call me Creepy."
"Would you like to come to a party in my toolshed?"
"I just threw up."
"You're ugly but you intrigue me."
"I had to find out what kind of woman would go out dressed like that."
How about, "If you are what you eat, I could be you by morning."?

She (to passing man): Excuse me, do you have the time? he: Do you have the energy?

Can I join your family tree?

Do you want to hear the Greatest Seduction Strategy Ever? This one's so amazing that only Satan himself could have thought of it.
Find a victim, preferably a feminist.
Pretend to be (or actually just be) a misinformed sexist pig. Don't be really offensive about it, just be misdirected in your opinions about women.
Let the woman try to educate you in your folly.
Become "converted" to feminism.
Jump into bed with the woman.

You know, I'd really love to fuck your brains out, but it appears someone beat me to it.

"Do you know how to use a whip?" (surprisingly this works!)

The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack.
The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues.

In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says,

"Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad.
We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like."

Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife:

"Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart.
Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate sex....you'll love it!"

Doris thinks for a minute and says,

"I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love.
Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK...maybe I would have such sex with you...."

Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office; his doctor tells him,

"Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad:

"Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time
 that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz....... Now, I'll just address this.......By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?"

"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern"?

There was a guy named Homer and he always wanted to be the first to tell any news to his friends. One day Homer decided to go into town.

HOMER: Well, guys, I guess I'm a goin' into town.

While Homer was in town, someone robbed the bank. So Homer raced back to the guys.

HOMER: Guys, you'll never guess what happened!! THE GUYS: Someone robbed the bank.
HOMER: How'd you know?
THE GUYS: We heard it on the radio.
HOMER: Goddam radio.

So the next day Homer decided to go into town again.

HOMER: Well, guys, I guess I'm a goin' into town.

While Homer was in town, the mall burned down to the ground. So Homer raced back to the guys.

HOMER: Guys, you'll never guess what happened!! THE GUYS: The mall burned down.
HOMER: How'd you know?
THE GUYS: We heard it on the radio.
HOMER: Goddam radio.

The next day Homer decided to go into town once again.

HOMER: Well, guys, I guess I'm a goin' into town.

This time while Homer was in town, nothing happened. But on the way home, Homer saw a pig by the side of the road. He thought to himself, "I think I'll just get me some." So he took the pig into the field and had his way with it. Then Homer raced back to the guys.

HOMER: Guys, you'll never guess what happened!! THE GUYS: Nothing happened.
HOMER: Yessir! I just got laid!
THE GUYS: In a pig's ass ??
HOMRE: Goddam radio.

Three fisherman were out fishing one day, when one of them saw a pig on the bank.
The first guy said, "Boy, I just wish that was Cindy Crawford."
The second fisherman said, "Boy, I just wish that was Elle McPherson."
The third fisherman said, "Boy, I just wish it was dark."

Mr. Smith just bought a chicken farm. His neighbor, Mr. Jones, came over for a visit.
Mr. Jones asked "How's the chicken farm coming along?"
Mr. Smith replied "We've got everything set up, all the chickens are being fed automatically and the lighting in the barn is now on timers, but there is one problem - none of the chickens are laying eggs!"
J "Well, have you bred the chickens with a rooster?"
S "No. I didn't know I needed to."
J "I'll tell you what - you can have my rooster. His name is Bruster the rooster. He'll take care of all your chickens."
S "Are you sure he can handle all of my hens? I've got 10,000."
J "No problem - they'll all be laying by the end of the week. I'll bring Bruster over later today."

Later that day, Mr. Jones drove up the drive with Bruster in the cab of his truck.
Bruster saw all the hens, hopped up on the dash, and gave his best cock-a-doodle-doo.
All the hens lined up in military format. Bruster ran over and started going up and down the lines as fast as he could go, getting each hen.
Mr. Smith, amazed by the sight, said "Damn, Bruster, if you don't slow down, you're gonna kill yourself."

Later that day after supper, Mr Smith came out to check on things, and saw Bruster raping the cat.
He said "Damn, Bruster, if you don't slow down, you're gonna kill yourself."

All through the night squawkin' and hollerin' went on outside. But, the next morning everything was quiet.
Mr. Smith walked out and saw all the chickens on their backs with their tongues hanging out. The cows and horses were backed up to the barn.
But Bruster was nowhere in sight. Mr. Smith started looking around for Bruster, and then he saw a lump in the pasture with a bunch of buzzards circling overhead.
Fearing the worst, he walked over to the lump, and sure enough there Bruster was, lying on his back, eyes closed, and as still as could be.
Mr. Smith looked down and said "Damn, Bruster, I told you if you didn't slow down, you were gonna kill yourself. Now look at ya!"

Bruster slowly opened one eye and said "Shut up! Buzzard Pussy!!!"

An Eskimo decided one day that it was time to enter the 20th century, so he went and bought a brand new snowmobile.
One particularly cold morning, he loaded up the machine and set out to go hunting. Well, he only got about 100 feet from his igloo before the machine sputtered and died.
He trudged back to the igloo, hitched the dogs to the skidoo and dragged it into town to the local mechanic.
By this time, his eyebrows, and mustache were heavily coated in ice. The mechanic checks out the skidoo and says,

"Looks like you blew two seals"
The Eskimo responds, "Unh, unh, that's just ice in my mustache."

#2 Why didn't the dumb blond breast feed her children?
It hurt too much to boil her nipples.

#3 Why did the dumb blond stop wearing a training bra?
Because the wheels were beginning to look really stupid.

#4 Why did the dumb blond bring her vibrator to the restaurant?
She saw a sign that read "First come, First served"

#5 What's the difference between "ooh" and " ahh"?
About 2 inches.

#6 What do you call a nun who's had a sex change?
A Transister

On the occasion of my recent wedding, my father in law told this joke. What a guy, I think I'll have no trouble with him:

For their anniversary, a couple decide to do Las Vegas for the first time. Flying all day, they finally arrive tired and saddle sore.
Not wishing to spend their first night sober & asleep, they elect to share a drink in the lounge before retiring.

Sitting at the bar, sipping and making small talk, the Husband interrupts his Wife and points out an attractive and well dressed woman near the other end of the bar. He tells her that the woman's a $50 Hooker. The wife can't believe it, and they argue good naturedly.

To make his point, the Husband gets up and approaches the woman: "Evenin', Darlin, what about you & I slip upstairs for $5 worth of love & affection."
Replies the woman, "I don't even leave the Bar for less than $50, sorry. "
The man, looking strangely content, returns to where his wife is sitting.
His announcement that he'd guessed right meets with little interest, the Missus is tired and wanting to turn in, and they leave.

As the elevator doors are about to close behind them, the Hooker jumps onto the elevator and, recognizing the Husband from the Bar,
looks at his Wife, then back to him and says;

"See what you get for $5?"

A handsome young man was sunbathing on the beach one day when a horrible old hag with a pointed hat approached him.

"I am a witch", she exclaimed, "And I can grant you three wishes for a small consideration".
"Great!", said the man "I wanna be rich, I want a fast car, and a beautiful mistress".

"Your wishes have been granted", said the old crone,
"You have a personal bank account containing $1,000,000; in your garage you have a brand new Lambourghini;
and waiting for you in your bedroom is the world's most beautiful woman.
Now you must fulfil your part of the deal and grant me a small consideration."

"What can I do for you?" enquired the young man.
"You must come back to my house and make love to me all night".

The young man was disgusted by the thought of humping with this warty old hag but decided to go ahead with it
considering all that would be waiting for him at home.

So with much effort, that young man screwed the old witch all night until they both fell asleep.

The next morning, when they awoke, the witch turned to the young man and asked,
"How old are you, son?"

"Twenty-five", he replied, "Why?
The old crone cackled, "Aren't you a little old to be believing in witches?!"

Louis Bleriot was a famous French aviator who was the first man to fly across the English Channel early this century.
He was also famous for his ways with women. One evening he took a young lady back to his rooms.
After a period of passionate looks between the two Louis takes her in his arms and moves his face close to hers with the passion practically visibly steaming between them. He looks longingly at her full, red lips.

Suddenly he takes a bottle of red wine and pours a small amount around her lips.
"But monsieur" she cries, "what are you doing?'
"Madamoiselle, I am Louis Bleriot, the famous French aviator. When I taste the full red lips of a woman I like to taste the rich French red wine."
And with that he kissed her. Slowly he then began to unbutton her blouse and her breath became heavy with expectation. Gazing down on her tender white breasts he took a bottle of white wine and poured some over her breasts.

"Monsieur! What are you doing?"
"Madamoiselle, I am Louis Bleriot, the famous French aviator. When I taste the white, smooth bosom of a woman I like to taste the rich French white wine."
And with that he licked her wet breasts.

He then took off her dress and pantaloons. Looking down on her pubic area he licked his lips, picked up a brandy bottle and poured a generous amount over the top of her legs and the pubic area.
"Ooooh, Monsieur Bleriot" said the girl panting with expectation.
Suddenly he struck a match and lit the brandy. Panicing the girl called out, "But why, monsieur?"

"Madamoiselle, I am Louis Bleriot, the famous French aviator and when I go down, I go down in flames!"

An elderly Amish man married a sixteen year old girl.
One of his friends said, "You ought to be ashamed of yourself. She is so young she doesn't even have any hair on her pussy."
Stroking his beard he replied, "She'll have some on it tonight."

The Gift

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Sears and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:

Darling,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. I
f it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love,

John

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

Riordan the welder showed up at the doctor's office with a badly damaged foot.

"What happened to you?" asked the M.D. "Well, thirty-six years ago I was a young apprentice with Heffernan in Pittsburgh and ..."

"But about your foot ... ?"
"This is about me foot. I just came over from the old country and I was livin' in his house.
Now Heffernan had a daughter more beautiful than an Irish sunset.
The first night I was there she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable and if I wanted anything and I said I didn't."

"The next night she came in when I was in bed and she was wearing her nightgown and she asked me if there was any single thing she could get me or do for me and I told her I was as comfortable as a bug in a rug."

" The next night she came in and the girl hadn't a thing on her and she asked me if she could do anythin' for me and not wantin' to keep her standin' in the cold and she standin' there naked I said there was nothing."

"What the devil has that got to do with you foot?" asked the doctor.

"Sure it was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant and I was so annoyed with myself that I threw me ten-pound hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle."

Bill and Marla were getting bored watching television on a Sunday afternoon when they suddenly had this urge to Do it.

So they decided to pull a trick on their ten-year-old son in the apartment and sent him out on the balcony and ordered him to report on all the
neighborhood activities for the next hour.

"Just stay out there and shout out whatever you see", said Bill to his son.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out,

"Matt's riding a new bike
....... and the Coopers are having sex !!!" he cried.

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father shouted.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

It was early in the morning on a warm summer's day.
Looking all around and not seeing anyone, a naked woman stepped out on the front porch of her house to get the daily newspaper.
She left the front door ajar but a sudden gust of wind blew it shut, it locked and she was left standing outside in the nude.
As luck would have it, two men came walking down the sidewalk at that particular moment.
She saw an old pair of shoes lying on the porch, picked them up, held them over her private parts and placed one arm across her breasts to cover her nakedness.

As they walked by, one man glanced over, saw the soles of the shoes and said, "Wow...look at that...he's really in there!"

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather cur-ious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered.Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the cur-tains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother.

Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick...a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST! anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!

Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and sliped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squeeling and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again, and by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats... They have nine lives or something.

This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel of the skin and flush it down the toilet.

Mother fainted.

Three bulls, one large, one medium, and one small, were standing in the pasture and had just heard a rumor that the farmer had just bought a new, larger bull.
The largest of the three said, "Well, he ain't getting none of my cows."
The medium bull said, "He ain't getting none of my cows."
The little bull said, "Well, if he ain't getting any of your's, them he sure as hell ain't getting one of mine."

Two days later, a semi pulls into the yard, and they unload the new bull. He's big and pissed from having been cooped up for the long journey.
When the three bulls see him, the biggest bull says, "He can have my cows,"
the medium bull says, "He can have mine, too."
The littlest bull, however, begins to paw the ground, snort and bellow, and basically carry on.
"What's with you?" the other two asked.
"I'm just showing him I ain't a cow!" answered he.

A school teacher showed pictures of animals to her class and asked them to name them.
She displayed pictures of a lion, tiger, gorilla, elephant and came to one of a deer.
When she asked little Billy what it was, he didn't know.
To help him, the teacher said, "What does your mother sometimes call your father?"

"Oh," said Billy, "so that's what a horny bastard looks like!"

What's the first thing a blonde says after having sex? " Are all you guys on the same team?"

John's pal Al gave him the phone number of a hooker. Al said this was a really unique hooker and John should make an appointment.
John called the hooker, made an appointment, and they met at the local no-tel motel the next evening.

"Well," the hooker asked, "How do you want it?"
John said, "I've never screwed a woman in the butt.  I think I'll have it that way."
 

The hooker responded, "O.K. by me... That will cost you $500."
John said, "Hell no!  That's too much!."
The hooker grabbed John by the arm and dragged him to the window.
"Look out the window. See that black Mercedes parked out there? That's my Mercedes. I bought it with money guys paid me to screw me in the butt.
I'm the best there is and $500 is the price."

John was really horny, so he finally agreed to the hooker's price. "
One more thing." the hooker said, "I'm a bit modest, so we have to turn off the lights before I undress."
John agreed, and they went at it. John was thoroughly satisfied and made an appointment for next week.

Next week they met at the appointed time. The hooker asked, "Well, what will it be this time?"
John said, "Well, I think I want some head tonight."

The hooker replied, "That will cost $800." John said, "Hell no! That's too much!."

The hooker grabbed John by the arm and dragged him to the window. "Look out the window. See that apartment building over there?
That's my apartment building. Four stories high, 20 luxury apartments. I bought that apartment building with money guys paid me to give head.
I'm the best there is and $800 is the price." John was horny as usual, so he agreed to the hooker's price.

"Remember," the hooker said, "I'm a bit modest, so we have to turn off the lights before I undress."
John agreed, and they went at it. John was again thoroughly satisfied and made an appointment for next week.

Next week they met at the appointed time. The hooker asked, "Well, what will it be this time?"
John said, "Well, I think I want some regular fucking tonight."

The hooker grabbed John by the arm and dragged him to the window. "Look out the window. See that 40 floor office tower over there?
 John said, "Don't tell me... You own that office tower too?"

The hooker said, "No, but if I had a pussy you bet I would!"